I have a belief about relationships I have been trying to examine. The belief is:

Expressing myself and being honest is not safe because it:

creates conflict

turns the other person off

makes the other person think I am crazy or too much or too intense

Beliefs create our actions in life…

Because of this belief when I am dating or getting to know someone I stifle my communication. I don’t say what I want to say. I hold back. I don’t speak my truth. I don’t show up fully. I stop expressing myself.

And then this happens…

I drink some wine with friends and then go on a texting spree finally feeling brave enough to express myself, speak my truth, and say all the things I have been holding back…

This is exactly what happened last night

and then this is what happened this morning…

I feel shameful. I feel regret. I question who I am and what I am doing.

I spent a few minutes going back through all the things I said and feel like shit Kimberly…

“you are such a mess”

“why can’t you just not say anything”

“you are going to push him away”

“you need to get your shit together”

“when you drink you always do things that you regret”

Blah blah blah… on repeat.





When I realized I had spun into a shame pattern I paused and took some breaths.

I asked myself…

What is rehashing and bashing myself doing for me or anyone?


So if this is doing NOTHING what is going on here… What is the point??

I sat.

I sat more…


Your behavior, aka, wino texting explosions is just like a smoke signal.

Our behavior signals for us to pay attention because there is something to learn. Something to notice. Something to become aware of.



(symptoms could also be behaviors)

Holy crap… I just want to keep saying it. Our behavior is information to know ourselves better, to grow, to evolve. That is it.

Yet so many times in life our behavior becomes weaponry. It becomes things that we use against ourselves to make ourselves feel like shit or to hold over ourselves.

My behavior does not define me as a good or bad person. (This is something I talk all the time about with my clients.) If my friend told me she had wine and went on a texting spree to a man she was into I would not shame her. I would not think she was a bad person. So why do I do this to myself??

I think our behavior becomes weaponry because we have some idea that if we make ourselves feel bad enough then we will change. Same thing with other people if we make people feel bad enough for what they have done then we believe they will change. I think parents also do this with their children.


I think all this does is send us or others into a shame spiral and the shame spiral sends us right back into the same behavior that we want to change. It is a cycle… We do something, then we shame ourselves and then because we feel awful about ourselves and are beaten down then we just repeat and do it all over again.

For me my cycle is this:

I don’t express myself because I fear my intensity will turn people off.

I explode in expression when I am feeling brave.

I shame myself because of fear of rejection.

Then I don’t express myself anymore.

It is a cycle.

Now knowing I am fully aware that my behavior and shame cycle are doing nothing but screaming at me to notice and learn and grow I gently asked myself…

Kimberly, what information is your behavior trying to gift you?

When I asked myself this question what I heard is this…

You stop expressing yourself when you are spending more time living in your head than in your life.

Woahh… I am going to say that again.

You stop expressing yourself when you are spending more time living in your head than in your life. 

My life is my expression.

Then I asked myself…

How can I start living my life, right now…

I compiled of list of things I love to do that make me feel alive…




Being around people I love.


Being in nature.

Loving people.

These are just a few… so you know what I did I wrote this blog!

Do you spend a lot of your time shaming yourself about your behavior?? Whatever it is:

Eating junk food.

Drinking too much.

Watching too much t.v. instead of exercising.

Having one night stands.

Distracting yourself with Facebook.

Whatever your behaviors are… how instead of shaming yourself can you ask yourself what is this behavior trying to signal and teach me? Is it signaling to you, like it was me, to start living  more? To get out of your head and live your life?

How can we live more in our lives and less in our heads?

I freaking love that question…

Now I want to hear from you! Please share your heart below. Your comments are what make this blog juicy.

Here is to living,