Tag: Denver

A ten dollar bill and a homeless man…

I used to be a very stingy person. Always feeling like I didn’t have enough of anything to give to another. Feeling the fear of not having enough money or time. In this fear I stopped giving pretty much all together. I clung to everything I had and I was left pretty empty and tired and stressed about all of the things I feared not having enough of.

This was especially true of giving anything to homeless people I would meet in the world.

I used to never be able to look homeless people in the eyes. I used to walk past them quickly and avoid any sort of contact. This to me was a place where I felt so much shame because I have a brother who is homeless. I spent years pretending that I didn’t judge him or think anything less of him yet my actions spoke very differently of what I actually thought.

My journey to Denver has been a journey of looking closer at this and dissolving all separation I have towards me and my fellow brothers and sisters that live on this Earth with me. All judgments I carry towards them. All the ways that I feel better than them. All the ways that I feel less than them.

It has been a journey of how to love everyone the same. Treat everyone the same. Give to everyone the same. Look at everyone in the eyes the same.

To see truth in everyone.

 

As I have been practicing these things I have had many things come up… painful and intense things.

Today, this is what happened. I became very triggered by my interaction with a homeless man on the side of the street.

To process it I made a video about what happened.

I believe clarity happens when we sit with things. Many people think sitting is an act of laziness or that it won’t get you anywhere to sit. I think it is the core of being and the core of understanding ourselves and this life. It is where so much information is given to us. If we take the time to sit so much will be revealed to us.

This story is also a reminder that we aren’t meant to have all of the answers. That is what God/Spirit/Universe is for. It is our duty to call on and ask for things to be translated to truth that we don’t understand. Let go and let God. It is simply a practice. Letting go and sitting and asking for clarity and truth. Just like I laid out in the video. It isn’t some magic formula it is as simple as pausing and praying or asking for help.

This man, this lovely man was my teacher today. I honor him and his journey. I am so grateful.

May our lives be our message. May we have the courage to walk our talk and be a walking example of love and light in this world.

Now it is your turn!! What are you practicing right now? What came up for you when you watched this video? Please share your voice in the comments. Also if you feel like someone would love these words please feel free to share this video or blog!

In gratitude to the strangers we meet along the journey,

Kimberly jess-6501

 

Parents and Enlightenment…

There are moments in life when you are on the crux of something big. You can feel it in every inch of your body. In every moment of your days. In everything…

The experience can easily be confused for fear, anxiety, or intensity. For being lost. For feeling confused or like you have no idea what is going on.

I am at one of those moments. I am triggered by everything while I also understand everything a little bit more than I did yesterday or the moment before.

My parents are here visiting. They are amazing. They are everything to me. They have shown me what family is. They have shown me what love is. They have shown me so much about life and living.

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Yet they are here and I find myself so triggered. I find myself having anxiety. I find myself being intense.

Nothing is wrong. Nothing is bad. Yet something gets said and I revert back to my 10 year old self that doesn’t know how to say what she needs, ask for what she wants, or speak clearly and coherently about anything. Instead I shut down. I want to argue. I want to raise my voice.

This morning hiking the Flatirons in Boulder (picture above) I find myself feeling annoyed by little things they are doing. Talking on the phone during the hike, making comments about people and what they are doing… I begin sticking up for people who live on the edge and want adventure and don’t care if they die doing it. I sooo get this type of person. I am this type of person.

Then later trying to figuring out brunch plans me and my father get into it. He doesn’t want to spend a lot of money on breakfast (understandable) I don’t want to make a decision because I don’t have a preference. We begin to clash. I shut down. I being to feel like fuck I don’t know how to relate to them. Why can’t I just talk to them. Why do I feel this way. Why do I feel like I just want to go be alone and never see another human again. Why do I feel soooo fucking bad at this. At life. At relationships. At being kind to and accepting of my parents. Why…. like why can’t I just let them be and why can’t I just be and why can’t everything just be gravy and cool and calm and collected?

I went to work after hiking and brunch. I left work hours later feeling so awful about how I treated them. They are getting old and what if this is the last time I get to see them? What if something happens to them and they made all of this effort to come to Colorado to see me and I am just being a dick? What if I live in Colorado forever and I only see them once a year again and I don’t get to know them in their old age? I feel so much guilt…. Then I just want to cry….

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My heart aches as I write this. All I really want for them to know is how much I love them. How much I long to not take a single day with them for granted. How grateful I am to have them in my life. How grateful I am that they came all this way to be with me. How fucking amazing they are and how much I love them.

I just want to be present with them. I want to laugh with them. I want to sit with them. I want to know them… I want to know them… God I just want to know them

I know this feeling I know this moment I know RIGHT NOW I am on the crux…

The crux of accepting myself. I can’t accept my own parents because I can’t accept myself.

I do something and I guilt myself until I can barely function.

I spend so much of my life picking at myself. My failures. My inability to not fuck up relationships with everyone. My imperfect body. My intensity. My being too emotional… My permanent limitations.

Pick.

Pick.

Pick.

Pick.

No wonder I am picking on them… this is how I treat myself all of the time. Nothing I can do is good enough so why would it be different for other people in my life?

Fuck.

Pause…. breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Gentle.

Breathe.

It is okay to get annoyed. It doesn’t have to overtake me. It is okay to not know how to accept everything. It doesn’t have to define me, them, or their trip here. It is okay that I am triggered by them… it is not WHO I AM.  It is okay that I am learning to love all of me. This will be a life long practice.

It is okay to be whatever you are in each moment. It is normal. It is the human condition to feel emotion and have thoughts and feel certain ways. It does not have to become a definition of anything you are. It can just be. Then you can watch them change because they will always change. Your emotions, thoughts, and feelings will always change. They are not permanent. They ebb and flow and change and evolve, ALWAYS.

They are information for you. I realized as I was contemplating writing this blog that I have been working 8 hour days, spending all my time off with my parents, and then repeating. I just moved to a new city. I am in a new home. I have had no time to myself. I have not been taking care of myself. This is the perfect storm for many things… mostly GROWTH. AWARENESS. AN OPPORTUNITY TO BE GENTLE.

Life is about the balance.

Right now it is about how can I be fully present with my  parents and also take care of myself and honor what I need. How can I have awareness of all the ways in which I nit pick myself and also fiercely choose love in the face. How can I notice the ways I am triggered by my family and not let it define me or our moments together.

I got off work tonight and I decided to just come home. Spend an evening alone, playing music, sitting in silence, writing, and then going to bed early. I decided to be gentle and pause.

We free ourselves when we are gentle. We free ourselves when we listen to what we need in each moment. We free ourselves when we speak truth about what we need and do it in a loving way. We free ourselves when we allow ourselves to be.

I am on the crux of learning so much about myself and life. I knew the second I signed on to move to Denver that this is what I was embarking upon. The first month I was here I felt resistance to go there. I was drinking quite a bit and going out and being super social and NEVER SPENDING A MOMENT ALONE, because I knew that the crux was coming, the shifting was coming, the change was coming… and honestly it terrifies the shit out of me and also IS SOOOOO EXCITING.

My parents being here is just another push into me becoming my greatest self. I can’t ignore what comes up when I am around them. They mirror so many beautiful things to me.

Ram Dass says it best:

“If you think you’re enlightened go spend a week with your family.”

Amen.

Tomorrow I am taking them hiking again and my only goal is to be exactly where I am. Be kind to myself. LOVE MYSELF AND MY PARENTS FIERCELY. And have a hell of a time.

To the crux and to learning and to being human y’all (it’s a wild thing),

Kimberly

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I have no idea what I am doing…

I want to tell everyone a secret that they may or may not know about me…

90% of the time I LITERALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING.

Maybe more, maybe less depending on the day and time you ask me.

I am not trying to be facetious. I am simply trying to be honest and vulnerable about something most people feel yet not many have the courage to talk about.

I have this deep feeling that no one… no one really knows fully what they are doing. If someone acts like they know everything… don’t believe them.

Society has this way of tricking us into thinking we should have our shit together and know what we are doing. There is also the saying “fake it til you make it”.  I am not against this saying. I believe that we are what we think so we can think ourselves into anything even success or failure or all of the above.

My only curiosity about this is why is it not okay to not know? Why must we fake it? Why can’t we say I have no idea what I am doing?

There are 1 million ways we as humans could spend our time, resources, and energies. It feels overwhelming at times. I feel like a failure so much of my life because I am not doing ‘what I should be doing’. Getting more education. Spending more time hustling and working harder. Putting tons of money into savings and preparing for the later years of my life. Buying a house instead of renting. Dating. Having babies… I mean the list goes on. Don’t get me wrong I have things I want to do in this life time… I have lots of things I dream of doing.

Let me rehash my life right now. I own a business that I love. The Revolutionary Living Institute. I am a Life Coach that specializes in NLP (Neurolinguistic Programing) and I love it.  I love helping people explore and empower themselves and their lives, and helping them navigate through the challenges of life. I LOOOOVE IT.  Yet I don’t do it full time because of the 100 reasons I have made up as to why I can’t. So to make enough money to live I also work at a cafe. I love working in cafe’s. I don’t just do it and hate it. I genuine love it too for many reasons: I love coffee, I love being a part of a tight knit community, and I loooove to work in the service industry. And with all of the things I love about it still feels as though that working at the cafe is distracting me from my real dreams. Is this true? Why do I feel this way? Why must I question myself instead of trusting the path?

My other dreams are to love and accept all humans fiercely, be in a band, speak multiple languages, and to be a damnnnnn good dancer and dance as often as I can!!

Yet I spend a lot of my time not working towards what I want. If I know the things that I want to do and I know the things that make me feel alive and happy then why aren’t I doing them?  Why do I beat myself up for not being further along? Why do I create suffering for myself because of some future dream that I don’t even know will happen instead of enjoying my present moment? Why can these ideas of what I want so easily pull the joy out of my present moments? How do I know what will move me closer to my dreams or not?  Life is full of surprises our dreams live in the unknown moments of life. In fact isn’t everything unknown to a certain extent?

Honestly I don’t have the answer to any of these questions. I am not sure anyone does. We are all here on this wild ride called life.

Instead of questioning I want to enjoy life. I want to trust that everything is perfect. Trust that being present is my only job here. Trust that I am on the right path and that things ARE happening. Trust that timing is it’s own thing and I am not in control. Trust that I will know everything when I need to know it and TRUST that I am doing things…

I deeply believe that by trusting and being present everything will reveal itself and move you closer. I believe that is it. That is the only knowing I need.

What I also know is…

What I know is that up until this moment I have done the best I can. What I do know is that if things where meant to be different then they would be. What I do know is that being hard on myself gets me no where.  It is by loving myself in the moments of over thinking, criticism, and judgment that I will move through those experiences and moments with grace.

What I do know is since I have lived in Denver I have:

Started a new job.

Been to three dance parties.

Met some amazing people.

Had multiple brilliant adventures with my best friend.

Auditioned for a band.

Moved into my own apartment.

Talked to multiple people about my business and passions in life.

I have put myself out there.

I have done some amazing things and it has only been a month.

What I know is that I am proud of myself for moving to the city that I want to live in.  What I know is that I am in the hardest part. I am in the transitional part of not knowing anyone and feeling lost and aimless. What I know is that I don’t have to be so hard on myself. I can be gentle, compassionate, kind, and loving.

Lastly, what I do know is that I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING and that that is perfect.

I am unsure if the feeling of not knowing what I am doing will ever go away AND my prayer is that I have the courage to keep going and find trust and peace in the midst of the not knowing.

My prayer is to be present and grounded so that when opportunities appear I can take them.

My prayer is that I can love myself with the same unconditionality that I love others as I continue on my path. My prayer is that I am gentle with myself in the face of all that happens here.

My prayer is that I never give up.

That I never give up so that others also know they have the option of never giving up.

<3 <3 To not knowing and being fucking okay with it,

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This is pretty huge…

So I have been in Denver only 3 weeks and it feels like I have lived here forever, which I am totally taking as a good sign.

Let me recap…

I’ve started a job at an awesome coffee company, Corvus Coffee, check out what they are up to.

An amazing apartment in the South Highlands of Denver found me. Let me just say this again. AN APARTMENT FOUDN ME, and it is the perfect space and price for my budget. It literally has everything. It has internet. It is fully furnished so I don’t have to buy any furniture. It is tiny so I can’t collect a bunch of stuff I don’t need. It has washer/dryer. It has an amazing landlord who is an organic Chef and Caterer in the city! (I start moving tomorrow!) I say the apartment found me because I met this woman at Corvus and she then called the coffee shop after she left and offered me the studio apartment in her home.

I have been exploring. I went hiking with a co-worker. I went to a winery with my best friend and roomie. I’ve been taking long walks. Seeing parts of the city I’ve never seen. Also just been having a really, really good time!!

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South Boulder Peak (8500 feet- Pretty Intense Hike) 

LASTLY this is the HUUUUUGE THING. Last night I auditioned to be a singer in a country band. So here is the deal. I have zero… let me say it again ZEEEERROOOO technical singing training. Yet I love singing. Singing for me is my heart. It makes me feel alive. It gives me a fire. So trying out for a band and potentially having them say NOOOOO to me is a hugeeeee deal. Yet I love to sing. So as scared as I was I just showed up. I tried. I gave it my all.

So to make a long story short the audition went well…

Good and DISASTROUS!  

Good because they liked my voice and WELL I DIDN’T DIE.

Disastrous because holy shit I struggle harmonizing. Let me just say in my defense (not that this is needed except for my precious heart) I only had 24 hours to learn 3 songs AND I have never tried out for a band or sang with a band or done anything like this ever before…

Harmonizing with three instruments and another voice is well WICKED HARD FOR ME.

So well I learned that. I also will be promptly learning how to harmonize… (if any of you out there have tips or can help me please post in my comments!!!)

I also learned that I can and will do anything in this lifetime. I am going to so hardcore go after my dreams. I am going to feverishly do the things I am called to do. This to me is life. Being present and answering the damn call every single time you hear it.

Woooo that felt good to all share…

OH and lastly I heard today that my ex-husband is engaged. Can’t say I’m surprised just didn’t expect it. Especially because because the thought of marriage seems so far off to me. My only prayer for him is that he is happy, like not surface happy, but deep down in his soul happy.

Man this is a wild week. 

Moving

Auditioning

My ex-husband is getting married

Shit… is all I can really say.

So much is happening. So much to process. Sooooo much goodness. So much change.

Here we go… Denver this is going to be a wild ride.

Cheers <3 <3

Kimberly
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This does not mean everything is wrong…

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14 hours in my car, just me and road, and I finally saw the skyline of maybe my favorite American city, Denver. It is 5:00pm and I was sitting in bumper to bumper traffic watching the sunset over the mountains that line the city. Curiously, watching all the other drivers. Some of them, I can tell, are just as enamored as I am with the sun setting. Others are talking or texting on their phones. While others have a look and feel of exhaustion from a long day of work or play. I spend moments imagining their moves on ski’s as they blow down mountains covered in new powder or the others who sit behind a computer and type away all day, similar to how I am now.

Wondering what excites them, if they love living here, and what their deepest desires are.

Finally I reached my destination and my car turned off sighing with the same vigor I did grateful we made it. My first stop in the city is my favorite dive bar. A bullet bourbon neat is my first date to settle in and celebrate being exactly where I want to be.

I walked in and my favorite bartender was there. He sees me and I see him and both of our faces went from autopilot to connection and love.

I sat. He brought me a whiskey remembering exactly what I drink. We did some small talk. Then I sat. Silent. Just being. Watching the city lights flash outside the bar doors. Enjoying the dim lighting and the strangers that come and go.

This was also the predetermined meeting spot of my friend Jackie who I was meeting in the city. She arrived and then another beautiful friend of ours arrived and we all sat. As we sat my exhaustion began to hit.  It was the altitude, 14 hours of driving, and the whiskey all at once. I quickly bolted because I knew I had to go to bed. I walked all the way back to my Air BnB and entered the dream realm. Sacking out until morning. Waking up refreshed but also feeling weird.

I felt weird because I couldn’t be social and I had to leave.  I felt weird because usually I am the life of the party and love being around people and I just reached a point where I couldn’t do it. I also am a people pleaser. Which translates into worrying about what people think about me and wanting to act in ways that ensures people will still like me or see the value of me.

Thoughts began to circulate.

‘Oh man am I not supposed to be here?’

‘Is this how the entire trip is going to be?’

‘Is this all wrong?’

I recognized I was going down the rabbit hole…

Then I paused. I breathed. Then I sat. I sat in how I was feeling. Waiting for clarity.

Then it hit me. When one thing doesn’t go how you want it to go it does not mean everything else is going to go that way. One thing does not equate everything. 

YES, I thought. Just because I had a weird moment it does not mean that everything is going to be weird or bad. It just means I felt weird. It just means I had to go to bed. It does not mean anything else. I am not the thoughts that are trying to sabotage the rest of my trip. I am not the thoughts that are trying to make me believe that the rest of my trip is going to be just as weird as my first night.

I could let these thoughts color and create the rest of my experience here.  And I deeply believe this is how many people create a reality of suffering. They let one thing color everything. One thing begins to go ‘wrong’ and then they believe and live in the reality that everything else is going wrong or is going to go wrong.

Do you ever find yourself doing this? Allowing one thing in your life color everything else in your life?

In these moments can you remember all of the good that is also in your life? All of the things that are working or that you love?

When I paused I got clear about what my true reality was: I am in a city I love, I am with one my best friends, and I have a whole week to do whatever I want.

Am I really going to let one night of being exhausted destroy this trip? Hell no. 

We can’t always control the things that happen in our lives, aka, my exhaustion. What we can control is how we react to them. What we can control is how we allow situations to affect us. What we can control is how we move forward.

The next time something happens in your life that isn’t ideal and you notice that you are letting it turn your whole day or worse your whole life into the shits, pause, ask yourself what are the things that are amazing in my life? What about today is not shitty? How can I shift and move on just as the situations, thoughts, and feelings do in my life?

Now it is your turn. I want to hear from you! Where do you do this in your life? What did this blog bring up for you? Please share all your thoughts below in the comments and also if you are so called share these words with anyone you believe could use them.

From the mile high city,

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Are you a yes person?

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Poetry Night – Mercury Cafe – Denver, CO

I have always been a yes person. Through and through. If I am asked to do something and it sounds even somewhat appealing I will usually say yes. This might sound great, but it has a tendency to get me into trouble. Not because saying yes is a bad thing but because I would say yes to everything and because I am human and get exhausted or forget things I would end up having to cancel last minute or I just wouldn’t show up. I am not using being human as an excuse… I am right now, taking full responsibility for my actions.

There have been many times when I have been called a ‘flake’ and people get mad when you don’t have integrity to your word. Which leaves me always feeling a little powerless. Plus, people really take it personally if you don’t show up somewhere they invited you or if you say yes and cancel. Even though I don’t operate this way, I appreciate people who do. This got me thinking as I began to embark upon a new adventure. How can I learn to say yes to things I really want to say yes to but then say no or maybe to the rest.

No or maybe allow for space to change your mind more acceptably. If you tell a friend you aren’t going to be somewhere and then you change your mind to go they are always stoked and excited. It is interesting that when you cancel or change your mind the opposite way it isn’t as accepted and the outcome has the potential to be less than positive.  I realized through exploring this pattern in myself that I usually say yes, not because I always want to go but because I am 1. an excitable person and I really do enjoy doing most things but 2. I also don’t want people to not like me. I want everyone to like me and everyone loves a yes person, until they have to change their minds.

When I pulled away from Arkansas, I gave myself full permission to experiment with my life in every way possible. Experiment with saying yes to things I usually wouldn’t say yes to or saying no to things that I might usually say yes to.

Experimentation Life Project is going swimmingly!!  I have only canceled on one person and it was for a legitimate reason, my apartment had some flooding that I had to take care of.

I have said no to things that don’t work for me. I was at a friends house and it was getting late and they offered me a place to sleep. I was so tired that I wanted to take it, but I knew I wouldn’t sleep well there and I had a long day of work the next day so I said NO, thank you and I got up and made my way home. Saying no empowered me to take control over my life and how I feel.

I also went to visit a friend in a different city in Colorado. We had a great day exploring and then all the sudden I hit a wall and needed to leave. My friend had just begun dinner and usually I would have just stayed and not listened to my body. But not listening to what I need is no longer an option. I sweetly said my goodbyes and drove back to Denver.

I also have been saying YES to things that take me out of my comfort zone!  I said yes to meeting up with a new friend for a drink one evening and he knew very little about me. He knew I was a writer. He knew that I didn’t know much about Denver. After we had a drink, he looked at his watch and said so there is this cafe that has poetry readings on Friday nights at 10pm, you want to go?

I looked at him and said YES! I had never read my poetry out loud to a crowd before. I have shared my poetry and allowed others to read it…but never have I stood in front of a room of strangers and poured my heart to them…well until last Friday.

The picture above pretty much explains the whole thing. Saying YES to my life in each moment has set me on fire. It has given me confidence, trust, and so much joy! I left Mercury Cafe in Denver more on fire to write than ever. I left Mercury Cafe in love with my life. In love with my courage. In love with myself.

From now on I am saying YES to life. Yes to the things that stretch me. Yes to the things that help me grow and evolve and inspire me!! YES YES YES, Universe I am here. I am saying YES. My promise is that when the next step is revealed I will leap forward. I will trust you. I am open. I am ready.

I am going to take a moment and sit in silence and allow the goodness to wash over me. Life is so good.

Pause for a minute and let what is good in your life wash over you…feel it? Doesn’t it feel amazing to acknowledge the good!

My promise is to also honor what I need in each moment and to say no to all things that don’t serve me or that I am not 100% sure I want to take on.

Learning to say yes and no is learning how to operate differently in the world. Learning how to operate inside of boundaries that work for you and your life. It is saying yes to you. This is what will give us energy to put our all into things that set us on fire. This is what will keep us in alignment with our integrity and what we value. This is such a powerful thing to learn.

Also I give you full permission to play, explore, and experiment in your life too. It is pretty freakin’ rad!!!

I would love to hear what is coming up for you!

Love from Denver,

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What dreams may come…

Living in Denver has been a TRIP… In fact if any of you readers are tempted to move here, you might have a built in roommate (me)!! You lucky duck!

I decided in October to leap into my dreams and move to Denver because it marked the one year of my divorce finalizing. I officially have been divorced a year and have been without a partner for almost two  years. Before I got married, I had maybe spent a total of two years alone. I was always in some sort of relationship. Always codependent on someone else. Always looking for my truth and worth in the eyes of another. Always looking for approval. Always hoping that I would be the gem in someone else’s eye.

Well let me tell a little of what has happened here in the beautiful mile high city, in a short three weeks:

I forced my way into the lives of a group of amazing humans. I was once told by a friend that if you want someone to be your friend, make them your friend. So that is exactly what I did. One night, a friend and I, knocked on the door of a house that we had been eyeing. Once the door opened I knew that my life would be changed. This group of humans only do what they want and they make money don’t it. Sound familiar? It is kind of exactly what I am looking to do… They are brilliant. They are creative. They think outside the box. They have become my friends, colleagues, and inspirations. They have given me the wind I needed when I wasn’t sure if I could get off the ground on my own. They have given me full permission to go after what I want and NEVER LOOK BACK. Thank you Pennsylvanian Hot House!

I asked the Universe for a mentor and it gave me one. This person is completely different than me.  They offer me a whole entirely new skill set. They offer me a sounding board and truth. In fact, my heart is telling me that this is the game changer I have been seeking.

I got to spend an entire week with part of my soul, a desert sister, that has been a rock in my life since 2007! She came to Denver and let’s just say we left this town a little different than we found it. Oh the shenanigans!!

I have met woman upon woman who have spoken to my soul. Who live life differently. Who want to play big. Who are seeking. Goodness my heart is overflowing from every interaction I have been blessed to have with all of you! Thank you for being exactly who you are!

I have gotten the opportunity to miss all of the humans that I have and LOVE in my life. To miss someone is such a unique experience. It is so fun to put time, effort, thought into staying connected. Picture texts, phone calls, energetic exchanges…

I have written some of my most beautiful pieces of work. I am growing as a writer and learning how I write and what works for me. I am learning what inspires me when I write. Which comes so much from people. The mundane things in life. Watching  people live. Watching people interact. Watching people love. Being the observer of people and allowing it to fill me and inspire me has changed my entire life. Thanks people for being people! It is truly profound to be human and to walk this Earth. It takes courage. I honor all of you for doing it. And I thank you for sharing it with me, even if in the smallest specks of time and knowing we never see each other again. This is what life is about and the fact that I get to capture it in words is a gift.

My career has come to life. My belief and trust in my work has solidified. My passion is constantly increasing like a beam of light and everyday I see it has reached a little further and has rooted itself a little deeper into my soul. It is beginning to be difficult to distinguish the difference between my life and my work.

This one is the knocker…

Last night as I was lying in bed something happened… I had the thought…

“I can’t imagine anyone being in this bed with me.”

Then my thought process looked something like this…

Shit.

I like being alone?

I like being alone!

Yes, I really like being alone!!

I like who I am. I like being around myself. In this moment I realized I am becoming the gem of my own eye.

Then I rolled over and fell into a deep, restful sleep and had the first dream I have remembered in a long time. I dreamed I was in a beautiful relationship and I was happy.

The smile I fell asleep with hasn’t left my face.

I am beginning to believe I have it in me to love another deeply again. To open up. To trust.

This is such a relief to me. I knew I would eventually have to come full circle and begin to open again… but I was seriously worrying because every time I would think about being in a relationship or see a couple I would get nauseated… I wish I was joking. Two years in a constant state of nausea. I was wondering if it was serious…

Today I feel different. Like I’ve turned a leaf. Maybe the changing of seasons has something to do with it. Or maybe in falling in love with myself and being dedicated to go after what I want has given me space to heal and love again.

All that I do know is that the path revealed itself to me and I said YES! Each day is a new adventure that I am embracing. Each day I take one more step forward. Today I am at peace. I am free. I am alive. I am so grateful for this life and the opportunity to live it.

More to come…

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What in the world is a manifesto?

PC: Jessica Brown

What in the world is a Manifesto? (Said in nothing less than a distinct southern twang)

Today is a really big day in my business. Tessa (my business partner) and I are launching our biggest retreat series ever, Revolutionary Retreats. We were inspired to do so after we had attended many retreats in the past and every single time we left the retreat and fell into

overwhelm

frustration

anxiety

Honestly, just a downward spiral. Why you might ask? Well it is because retreats are all about lifting you up, making you inspired. This is great, this is wonderful I am not at all dissing this part of the process. My only issue is that then when you leave you literally do not even know where to start or how to implement what you just learned. You got high and then like all highs… you crash. And I mean you crash hard. We decided we wanted to revolutionize the way retreats are done… through a year process of trying to figure out what that even looks like…it finally hit us. There need to be retreats that ‘pump you up’ but also set you up for success. What I mean by success is getting the shit done while you are there. No leaving the retreat and then trying to figure out, on your own, how to implement all the knowledge and inspiration you had.  Key word… had. So we have devolved a series of retreats where you get the shit done while being fully empowered and inspired!!!

Our first retreat launches today!! Check it out here: www.revolutionaryretreats.com 

Back to the first question about Manifesto’s… well if you just hopped over to our website hopefully you feel a little bit more learned about what a Manifesto is. Through the last few months Tessa, Rebecca (our collaboration partner on this amazing project) and I have been going through our own Manifesto Creation Process and I wanted to share with you a little something that came out of it…

One of our assignments was to write a letter to one of our yummiest clients…sharing with them what we wanted for them…what we hope they experience, what we dream for them…

Well I didn’t know this was going to happen…but this came out.

I wrote this at a coffee shop in Denver, CO… the whole time while crying my eyes out! Yep, imagine that scene… it was as epic as it sounds!

Here are the goods:

As my heart speaks,

Sometimes at night I curl my body and weep into cotton hoping that you realize your worthiness. That one day you might feel in the depths of your soul that you deserve everything you could dream of. That you might feel in the center of your being that who you are and what makes you worthy has nothing to do with your looks, your body shape, your career, your clothes, your house, your car, your money, your actions, your status, your emotions, your scars, your shames, your biggest regrets… NONE OF IT. Let me say it again, NONE OF IT… Who you are is light, love, and truth. You, sweet soul, were born into your worthiness. It can never leave you or be stripped from you. Never. You are brilliant and beautiful because you were born into this world; it is that simple and that complex. I beg of you please… please stop resisting yourself. Accept yourself in your perfection and in your wholeness. Please… please stop destroying yourself. Love and be kind to yourself each step of the way. Sometimes I loose my footing as my breath shortens and my heart breaks knowing the words you speak to yourself. I hear them because they too are the same words that I whisper to myself, hoping, praying no one hears. Child of this beautiful, crazy world, not a one of those words are true. Not one. The only thing that is true about you is that you are so fucking perfect that nothing can get within miles of your perfection. You were born perfect and you will die perfect. You contentment lies in this truth. Your happiness rests in this realization. Your boldness is in the owning that you are already everything you need to be. Please know that your tears and pain are just as beautiful as your smiles and laughs. For without the night we would not know the day. You are a whole. You are complete. You are perfect. If you want to meditate, meditate on how perfect you are. If you want to change the world step into your wholeness and nothing can but be completely transformed and altered in this truth. Go into the world. Stand tall. Exactly where you are. Free yourself from the prison chains. You hold the key, my love, in your own heart.

From my heart to yours. I give you permission to fly.

skylook

 

I am a poet…

Sometimes I write poetry about things I see. I don’t do much editing. I allow the part of my heart that is touched to flow from my body onto paper. Tonight I saw something remarkable and rare.

I saw a man reading to his elderly disabled wife…they were probably about 80.

This is what I wrote:

(I recorded the poem, you can listen to it here >> My Favorite Book…)

My favorite book…

Head bowed uncontrollably
As you read lines
From my favorite book.
After all these years
Your voice still shifts
As characters change,
The moment before they kiss…
Because we know they always kiss,
And the moment before he dies…
Your voice always shifts.
Sometimes I miss entire pages
Hoping you know what this means to me.
Not having seen in your eyes in weeks,
and since I can’t figure out
how to use my voice again.
I ponder and try things
But no movement or sound escapes,
Maybe one day…
Especially since the lines
Of my favorite book
Repeat…
And you are always the narrator.
You even always put my favorite shirt on,
The one with purple strips.
God, all the stuff I want to say to you.
Like…
Since the accident I only dream in black and white
I can still feel the tingles and warmth of our kisses—
It still annoys me how you say sailboat,
That twang might be the death of me.
And why does it have to be the most used word
Of my favorite book.
Your touch is the same…
Even after all these years—
And things like how in the hell
Do you keep getting more goddamn handsome
As time passes—
And thank you… seriously, thank you.
For everything.
I wish I could breathe only one more
Breath, so you could move on.
I’m not sure I can handle one more night
Of hearing your cries…
I know this isn’t easy for you.
Well, except this part…
Flipping the last page of the book
You spent years refusing to read.

— Kimberly Johnson

Part of being alone is me really owning what my heart is calling forth for me to put into the world. Writing and poetry, to be more specific, is one of those things. My poetry and how it comes from me is slightly different than most I have seen or heard. I care less about editing and more about capture moments and leaving them raw and in their natural state. When I started writing poetry in this way I was inspired and moved in such a way that I can’t quite describe in words, ironic huh, except it feels real… It is people and things that my eyes see that inspire me. I see something and entire stories, lives, and universes form in my head.

I had this thought this morning as I re-read my poem. What if I had the power to bring love and romance back to the world? The people? The masses?

I know I have the power and is this what I am here to do?

What I do know, is that I am a romantic in every single ounce of my being. I seek romance everywhere. My inability to see the romance in my marriage is what kept me from giving my heart fully to my ex-husband. Now after almost two years of self-exploration I am clear that seeing romance is an awareness and muscle. One that the more I practice and strengthen the more that life feels lit up and beautiful.

I am so curious about romance because it is something that I long for and yearn for yet people and society tell me that it is made up and that it is something that just exists in fairytales and in movies. Some say that it is something that comes with new experiences and people and then it fades away and leaves just like everything else. I do believe nothing is permanent AND what if you saw the world in such a way that everything was seen in love and romance? I have to wonder because I experience romance daily. Romance is real. It lives. I see it everywhere I look… it exits in everything. In how someone glances at you. In how the local barista hands you your cup of coffee.  In the way the wind whispers in your ears. In getting lost in a new city you have never explored. In the way my sheets are tangled and ridged after a night of restless sleep.

I remember back to the moments when I used to dread being alone. It felt so sad. It felt so painful. The visceral experience is the same… it feels tight and heavy in my chest, tears stream from my eyes, I slow in my motion. Yet a romance has formed around it because I know that this state is similar to the moon flower, at night or at times it must close up, go inward, and build energy so that it can then reopen and reveal itself to the world.

Maybe I am living in a dream state and one day I will be woken up … and in this moment I will continue to dream and be in bliss as life swirls around me in lines of poetry.

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Traveling Entrepreneur, my ass…

I have only be in Denver two days and maneuvering through clients, a new place, a new space, time, energy… ahhh everything. It feels intense. It feels exciting. Mostly though, it feels intense.

I am assuming this what a blind person might feel like trying to figure out a new place or situation. I once watched this documentary about a blind man who white water kayaked the Colorado River.

This story now has a whole new meaning to me because I feel as if that is what I am doing. Blindly going about creating my dream life. Not really knowing what I am doing.

The what is, is:

My phone doesn’t work in my new apartment, which is totally fine except this is how I see clients. In a pinch I remembered that since I have wifi I can use my google phone. Thank you google. So grateful for this resource! P.s. it works great!

I feel extremely tired and I am told it is because of the elevation change. I am not sure but shoot I feel exhausted. This gave me an excuse to visit a local coffee hangout Europa Coffee House, which is like 50 feet from my front door. The coffee was great. The men were beautiful. (Everyone should know how boy crazy I am … now feels like the right time to share this truth.) And it had real great energy. People reading. People sharing space with friends. Good music. It reminded me of my local hangout Onyx Coffee Lab in Arkansas. It will be my home away from home!

I got lost walking two blocks yesterday. Literally, I couldn’t understand my phone GPS and I legitimately got lost in two measly blocks. (Ohh if you don’t know this already, I am not directionally competent.) Well not yet at least. I was proud of myself though I didn’t ask anyone for help, I figured it out all on my own. What seems like a small feat sometimes is bigger than you know!

I drank a few brews (Denver Pale Ale) my first night in Denver and woke up feeling not super hot. This was the Thursday I was talking about in my first blog (read it here if you haven’t yet) so as you all know I had a day full of clients and work ahead of me. I didn’t drink that much but once again everyone is saying it is because of elevation change. The word on the street is that you can drink like normal and then you just wake up feeling like you might die because of change in climate and elevation.

I got confused about my time change from central to mountain time and may or maybe have messed up a few client calls. This was an opportunity to be authentic and transparent. This was also an opportunity for me to connect with my clients, reach out, offer them a gift for the mess up, and just really truly be present with them.

All in a 48 hour time span. Pretty solid if you ask me.

For some reason none of that mattered. I am a human that is going to mess up and sometimes I will mess up more than other times. This being one of those times. I also am being kind to myself. I know that during transition things might get crazy, unorganized, confused, messed up, and disorienting. I feel like if I were a DJ right now I would send myself a love song, telling me everything is going to be alright.

In fact… this one goes out to…. well… me

As I follow what sets my heart on fire something else really beautiful is happening, a natural state of compassion. I have the space to be deeply kind and compassionate to myself because I am amazed by what I am doing. I am in awe of my drive to go after what I want. It makes me honor myself in a completely different way. It makes me trust myself.

Plus, learning how to travel and take care of my child, The Revolutionary Living Institute, is going to be a journey. I feel like it is going to take some adjustment, patience, compassion, kindness, and trust that I can always figure it out! Wanting to be a dirtbag entrepreneur is one thing but making it happen is another.

Things are well here in Denver. Cheers to a lovely weekend. I can’t wait to share more about my adventures.

Xoxo,

Kimberly

 

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