There are moments in life when you are on the crux of something big. You can feel it in every inch of your body. In every moment of your days. In everything…
The experience can easily be confused for fear, anxiety, or intensity. For being lost. For feeling confused or like you have no idea what is going on.
I am at one of those moments. I am triggered by everything while I also understand everything a little bit more than I did yesterday or the moment before.
My parents are here visiting. They are amazing. They are everything to me. They have shown me what family is. They have shown me what love is. They have shown me so much about life and living.
Yet they are here and I find myself so triggered. I find myself having anxiety. I find myself being intense.
Nothing is wrong. Nothing is bad. Yet something gets said and I revert back to my 10 year old self that doesn’t know how to say what she needs, ask for what she wants, or speak clearly and coherently about anything. Instead I shut down. I want to argue. I want to raise my voice.
This morning hiking the Flatirons in Boulder (picture above) I find myself feeling annoyed by little things they are doing. Talking on the phone during the hike, making comments about people and what they are doing… I begin sticking up for people who live on the edge and want adventure and don’t care if they die doing it. I sooo get this type of person. I am this type of person.
Then later trying to figuring out brunch plans me and my father get into it. He doesn’t want to spend a lot of money on breakfast (understandable) I don’t want to make a decision because I don’t have a preference. We begin to clash. I shut down. I being to feel like fuck I don’t know how to relate to them. Why can’t I just talk to them. Why do I feel this way. Why do I feel like I just want to go be alone and never see another human again. Why do I feel soooo fucking bad at this. At life. At relationships. At being kind to and accepting of my parents. Why…. like why can’t I just let them be and why can’t I just be and why can’t everything just be gravy and cool and calm and collected?
I went to work after hiking and brunch. I left work hours later feeling so awful about how I treated them. They are getting old and what if this is the last time I get to see them? What if something happens to them and they made all of this effort to come to Colorado to see me and I am just being a dick? What if I live in Colorado forever and I only see them once a year again and I don’t get to know them in their old age? I feel so much guilt…. Then I just want to cry….
My heart aches as I write this. All I really want for them to know is how much I love them. How much I long to not take a single day with them for granted. How grateful I am to have them in my life. How grateful I am that they came all this way to be with me. How fucking amazing they are and how much I love them.
I just want to be present with them. I want to laugh with them. I want to sit with them. I want to know them… I want to know them… God I just want to know them…
I know this feeling I know this moment I know RIGHT NOW I am on the crux…
The crux of accepting myself. I can’t accept my own parents because I can’t accept myself.
I do something and I guilt myself until I can barely function.
I spend so much of my life picking at myself. My failures. My inability to not fuck up relationships with everyone. My imperfect body. My intensity. My being too emotional… My permanent limitations.
No wonder I am picking on them… this is how I treat myself all of the time. Nothing I can do is good enough so why would it be different for other people in my life?
It is okay to get annoyed. It doesn’t have to overtake me. It is okay to not know how to accept everything. It doesn’t have to define me, them, or their trip here. It is okay that I am triggered by them… it is not WHO I AM. It is okay that I am learning to love all of me. This will be a life long practice.
It is okay to be whatever you are in each moment. It is normal. It is the human condition to feel emotion and have thoughts and feel certain ways. It does not have to become a definition of anything you are. It can just be. Then you can watch them change because they will always change. Your emotions, thoughts, and feelings will always change. They are not permanent. They ebb and flow and change and evolve, ALWAYS.
They are information for you. I realized as I was contemplating writing this blog that I have been working 8 hour days, spending all my time off with my parents, and then repeating. I just moved to a new city. I am in a new home. I have had no time to myself. I have not been taking care of myself. This is the perfect storm for many things… mostly GROWTH. AWARENESS. AN OPPORTUNITY TO BE GENTLE.
Life is about the balance.
Right now it is about how can I be fully present with my parents and also take care of myself and honor what I need. How can I have awareness of all the ways in which I nit pick myself and also fiercely choose love in the face. How can I notice the ways I am triggered by my family and not let it define me or our moments together.
I got off work tonight and I decided to just come home. Spend an evening alone, playing music, sitting in silence, writing, and then going to bed early. I decided to be gentle and pause.
We free ourselves when we are gentle. We free ourselves when we listen to what we need in each moment. We free ourselves when we speak truth about what we need and do it in a loving way. We free ourselves when we allow ourselves to be.
I am on the crux of learning so much about myself and life. I knew the second I signed on to move to Denver that this is what I was embarking upon. The first month I was here I felt resistance to go there. I was drinking quite a bit and going out and being super social and NEVER SPENDING A MOMENT ALONE, because I knew that the crux was coming, the shifting was coming, the change was coming… and honestly it terrifies the shit out of me and also IS SOOOOO EXCITING.
My parents being here is just another push into me becoming my greatest self. I can’t ignore what comes up when I am around them. They mirror so many beautiful things to me.
Ram Dass says it best:
“If you think you’re enlightened go spend a week with your family.”
Tomorrow I am taking them hiking again and my only goal is to be exactly where I am. Be kind to myself. LOVE MYSELF AND MY PARENTS FIERCELY. And have a hell of a time.
To the crux and to learning and to being human y’all (it’s a wild thing),