Tag: alone

Driving in cars…

Today I left Denver.

My first month of travel is already over… how that happened, I am not sure.

Yet, today was the day.

It was a full day. Quite eventful.

I got up early. Which to be honest was intense because I spent last night enjoying all of my amazing new Denver friends until the wee hours of the morning. We had a little house party at the “hot house” (early post referral) and it was amazing. The people here have blown my mind.

People, blow my mind. Literally. But that is not what this post is about…

So I got up early and finished cleaning my delicious sublet oasis (I might be fond of this place…) and did a goodbye ceremony which pretty much just looked like me staring into space admiring and sharing my gratitudes outloud!! Then I went and met the new subletee to key drop. Then I went to lunch with a  friend that has become family. Followed by giving a few more friends goodbye kisses. And then I drove to a tattoo shop and got a new tattoo… Don’t worry it wasn’t a quickie off the wall… I have been wanting this tattoo for a really long time and was introduced to a great artist at Dedication Tattoo, named Jason! He did beautiful work… it is quite simple and beautiful. I am not ready to reveal it but soon enough… soon enough.

Then I drove from Denver to Salida, Colorado… Let me just tell you something… this drive. I took 285 and the entire drive was like something out of a magical fairytale. I made one pit stop at the Collegiate Peaks Lookout (picture below).

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During the drive something hit me

I love driving completely alone and being the only car on the road.

There is something about it. It is just you and road. You and earth. You and thoughts. You and you…

The most profound thing about this statement is that everyday I realize more and more how much I enjoy being alone. At this moment it was like that moment when pudding is no longer watery but becomes more solid and thick and real and ready to chill!  Yeah it was like that. It was a pudding moment for me. (Feel free to use pudding as a verb from now on… you’re welcome!!!) What I am really getting at is that my truth keeps getting more solid, thick, tangible…and it is truly amazing!

During my divorce when I was, what felt like, thrown into being alone and didn’t want to be… being alone was the worst, most painful experience of my life. Part of that was feeling completely betrayed but the other part was that I didn’t think I was good at being alone, it wasn’t natural for me. It wasn’t my path. Well I thought that until…

A few months ago when I started studying astrology as another modality to do inner exploration. During my studies I learned the most profound thing about myself: I actually am a very introverted person. I know, I know… if you are reading this and know me intimately then you must be laughing your ass off because I am also one of the most social people you will ever meet.

I am what they call an introvert/extrovert — yep.

I have been told since I was little how wonderful it is that I am so social and such an extrovert. I am not saying this is false. What I am saying is that there was never any room for me to explore being an introvert and being alone. I always thought I got strength and energy from others and that being alone just wasn’t really something I was into.  Now as I sit in my dear friends families bed and breakfast with the entire 5 room place to myself I am highly aware that the opposite is true. I gain so much energy, strength, clarity, and joy from being alone. In fact it is my sacred space. To be more specific I am sacred and everything I do and everyone I engage with gets access to my sacred space. That is a huge shift for me.

I am in a state of evaluation. Even tonight. I went to the local brewery to grab a brew and do some writing. This very handsome, mountain man started up a conversation with me and then as he left asked me for my number. I didn’t have any business cards on me so I just decided well okay… no harm, no foul. The best part. He texted me soon after to see if I would come meet him back out. My past self would have said yes… a little flirting, another drink, some laughs, a good time… definitely yes… but me now I told him no, I told him I would rather write and be alone. I need to write that again in order to truly believe it with my own eyes…

I told him I would rather write and be alone… holy shit. 

This does not mean that I don’t want to be in relationship with others or that I don’t want to find a man that makes me hot and bothered or that I don’t want to spend time with new people and hear about others lives and dreams… what it means is that if my body is telling me to spend time writing and being alone… you better believe I am going to do just that. No more sacrificing my needs for others. No more ignoring my inner cues and intuition. No more…

I don’t say this to myself enough, but I am really damn proud of myself. This is exactly what I wanted and it is exactly what I am getting… Sure it looks different than I thought it would at times… but I have been dreaming about falling in love with myself for years… I am so grateful for this time. I am especially grateful because as I talk and meet more people on my travels, one common thing people say to me is:

“you are so lucky for this time, I have never been alone”.

People have openly expressed that they wish they had had the opportunity that I am having right now. Or that they could do it now…Time to explore themselves and explore the world. Well don’t you worry, anyone who feels that way…please live vicariously through me until it is your time. Come here to read and also share about your dreams or things you have done that you want the world to see. This is your space. This is where dreams come alive. This is where confidence and believing in what you are capable of is born. This is where ANYTHING is possible. I have so many people in my life that say the words can’t. I can’t do that. You can’t do that… I do not even understand that phrase anymore. If you want something, go after it. You don’t have to know how… thinking we need to know how is an illusion because all that there is ever is doing one thing after another after another after another. It just one small step at a time. Don’t worry or get overwhelmed by the end result… this isn’t a race and isn’t about the destination … it is about the journey and the day to day adventures that will get you to where you want to be.

If this blog does anything… I want it to inspire others to live. That doesn’t mean you have to travel like I am… tap into what living and creating your dream life looks like and then go after it.

STOP MAKING EXCUSES…

A dear friend of mine said to me the other day that when she was younger she bought a one way ticket to Europe and while traveling she met a man that told her “it is better to regret what you did then to regret what you never tried”. 

I love that quote.

Can you sit for 5 minutes today and ask yourself if I died tomorrow am I living and experiencing life as I want to?

If it’s a yes, hell yeah!!! Breathe into how amazing that is…

Seriously keep sitting in…allow yourself to be doused in the beauty of your life!

If your answer is a no… cool. Think of things about your life that you do love and then acknowledge the not so ideal things without judgement. Where you are is perfect… I mean you are reading this and hopefully you are thinking about life and really that is all we can ever do. So now ask yourself ok what is one thing right now, today that I can do to move toward what I really want? Maybe it is going on a walk with your partner or baking something new that you have been dreaming of making or taking the new job in the face of fear or asking someone for help or booking that plane ticket you have been saying you want to book…

Whatever it is…

Our hearts call us to do things and we don’t do them and then we feel bad or beat ourselves up or regret never doing it…

I feel like I am going on this journey for all of humanity. To teach others to explore themselves. Take risks. Discover what they truly want and then go after it with a fire that can never be put out.

I give you permission to go deep within yourself and experience all of the sweet nectar that lives there.

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What dreams may come…

Living in Denver has been a TRIP… In fact if any of you readers are tempted to move here, you might have a built in roommate (me)!! You lucky duck!

I decided in October to leap into my dreams and move to Denver because it marked the one year of my divorce finalizing. I officially have been divorced a year and have been without a partner for almost two  years. Before I got married, I had maybe spent a total of two years alone. I was always in some sort of relationship. Always codependent on someone else. Always looking for my truth and worth in the eyes of another. Always looking for approval. Always hoping that I would be the gem in someone else’s eye.

Well let me tell a little of what has happened here in the beautiful mile high city, in a short three weeks:

I forced my way into the lives of a group of amazing humans. I was once told by a friend that if you want someone to be your friend, make them your friend. So that is exactly what I did. One night, a friend and I, knocked on the door of a house that we had been eyeing. Once the door opened I knew that my life would be changed. This group of humans only do what they want and they make money don’t it. Sound familiar? It is kind of exactly what I am looking to do… They are brilliant. They are creative. They think outside the box. They have become my friends, colleagues, and inspirations. They have given me the wind I needed when I wasn’t sure if I could get off the ground on my own. They have given me full permission to go after what I want and NEVER LOOK BACK. Thank you Pennsylvanian Hot House!

I asked the Universe for a mentor and it gave me one. This person is completely different than me.  They offer me a whole entirely new skill set. They offer me a sounding board and truth. In fact, my heart is telling me that this is the game changer I have been seeking.

I got to spend an entire week with part of my soul, a desert sister, that has been a rock in my life since 2007! She came to Denver and let’s just say we left this town a little different than we found it. Oh the shenanigans!!

I have met woman upon woman who have spoken to my soul. Who live life differently. Who want to play big. Who are seeking. Goodness my heart is overflowing from every interaction I have been blessed to have with all of you! Thank you for being exactly who you are!

I have gotten the opportunity to miss all of the humans that I have and LOVE in my life. To miss someone is such a unique experience. It is so fun to put time, effort, thought into staying connected. Picture texts, phone calls, energetic exchanges…

I have written some of my most beautiful pieces of work. I am growing as a writer and learning how I write and what works for me. I am learning what inspires me when I write. Which comes so much from people. The mundane things in life. Watching  people live. Watching people interact. Watching people love. Being the observer of people and allowing it to fill me and inspire me has changed my entire life. Thanks people for being people! It is truly profound to be human and to walk this Earth. It takes courage. I honor all of you for doing it. And I thank you for sharing it with me, even if in the smallest specks of time and knowing we never see each other again. This is what life is about and the fact that I get to capture it in words is a gift.

My career has come to life. My belief and trust in my work has solidified. My passion is constantly increasing like a beam of light and everyday I see it has reached a little further and has rooted itself a little deeper into my soul. It is beginning to be difficult to distinguish the difference between my life and my work.

This one is the knocker…

Last night as I was lying in bed something happened… I had the thought…

“I can’t imagine anyone being in this bed with me.”

Then my thought process looked something like this…

Shit.

I like being alone?

I like being alone!

Yes, I really like being alone!!

I like who I am. I like being around myself. In this moment I realized I am becoming the gem of my own eye.

Then I rolled over and fell into a deep, restful sleep and had the first dream I have remembered in a long time. I dreamed I was in a beautiful relationship and I was happy.

The smile I fell asleep with hasn’t left my face.

I am beginning to believe I have it in me to love another deeply again. To open up. To trust.

This is such a relief to me. I knew I would eventually have to come full circle and begin to open again… but I was seriously worrying because every time I would think about being in a relationship or see a couple I would get nauseated… I wish I was joking. Two years in a constant state of nausea. I was wondering if it was serious…

Today I feel different. Like I’ve turned a leaf. Maybe the changing of seasons has something to do with it. Or maybe in falling in love with myself and being dedicated to go after what I want has given me space to heal and love again.

All that I do know is that the path revealed itself to me and I said YES! Each day is a new adventure that I am embracing. Each day I take one more step forward. Today I am at peace. I am free. I am alive. I am so grateful for this life and the opportunity to live it.

More to come…

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