Tag: adventure

Parents and Enlightenment…

There are moments in life when you are on the crux of something big. You can feel it in every inch of your body. In every moment of your days. In everything…

The experience can easily be confused for fear, anxiety, or intensity. For being lost. For feeling confused or like you have no idea what is going on.

I am at one of those moments. I am triggered by everything while I also understand everything a little bit more than I did yesterday or the moment before.

My parents are here visiting. They are amazing. They are everything to me. They have shown me what family is. They have shown me what love is. They have shown me so much about life and living.

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Yet they are here and I find myself so triggered. I find myself having anxiety. I find myself being intense.

Nothing is wrong. Nothing is bad. Yet something gets said and I revert back to my 10 year old self that doesn’t know how to say what she needs, ask for what she wants, or speak clearly and coherently about anything. Instead I shut down. I want to argue. I want to raise my voice.

This morning hiking the Flatirons in Boulder (picture above) I find myself feeling annoyed by little things they are doing. Talking on the phone during the hike, making comments about people and what they are doing… I begin sticking up for people who live on the edge and want adventure and don’t care if they die doing it. I sooo get this type of person. I am this type of person.

Then later trying to figuring out brunch plans me and my father get into it. He doesn’t want to spend a lot of money on breakfast (understandable) I don’t want to make a decision because I don’t have a preference. We begin to clash. I shut down. I being to feel like fuck I don’t know how to relate to them. Why can’t I just talk to them. Why do I feel this way. Why do I feel like I just want to go be alone and never see another human again. Why do I feel soooo fucking bad at this. At life. At relationships. At being kind to and accepting of my parents. Why…. like why can’t I just let them be and why can’t I just be and why can’t everything just be gravy and cool and calm and collected?

I went to work after hiking and brunch. I left work hours later feeling so awful about how I treated them. They are getting old and what if this is the last time I get to see them? What if something happens to them and they made all of this effort to come to Colorado to see me and I am just being a dick? What if I live in Colorado forever and I only see them once a year again and I don’t get to know them in their old age? I feel so much guilt…. Then I just want to cry….

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tears

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more guilt

more tears

My heart aches as I write this. All I really want for them to know is how much I love them. How much I long to not take a single day with them for granted. How grateful I am to have them in my life. How grateful I am that they came all this way to be with me. How fucking amazing they are and how much I love them.

I just want to be present with them. I want to laugh with them. I want to sit with them. I want to know them… I want to know them… God I just want to know them

I know this feeling I know this moment I know RIGHT NOW I am on the crux…

The crux of accepting myself. I can’t accept my own parents because I can’t accept myself.

I do something and I guilt myself until I can barely function.

I spend so much of my life picking at myself. My failures. My inability to not fuck up relationships with everyone. My imperfect body. My intensity. My being too emotional… My permanent limitations.

Pick.

Pick.

Pick.

Pick.

No wonder I am picking on them… this is how I treat myself all of the time. Nothing I can do is good enough so why would it be different for other people in my life?

Fuck.

Pause…. breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Gentle.

Breathe.

It is okay to get annoyed. It doesn’t have to overtake me. It is okay to not know how to accept everything. It doesn’t have to define me, them, or their trip here. It is okay that I am triggered by them… it is not WHO I AM.  It is okay that I am learning to love all of me. This will be a life long practice.

It is okay to be whatever you are in each moment. It is normal. It is the human condition to feel emotion and have thoughts and feel certain ways. It does not have to become a definition of anything you are. It can just be. Then you can watch them change because they will always change. Your emotions, thoughts, and feelings will always change. They are not permanent. They ebb and flow and change and evolve, ALWAYS.

They are information for you. I realized as I was contemplating writing this blog that I have been working 8 hour days, spending all my time off with my parents, and then repeating. I just moved to a new city. I am in a new home. I have had no time to myself. I have not been taking care of myself. This is the perfect storm for many things… mostly GROWTH. AWARENESS. AN OPPORTUNITY TO BE GENTLE.

Life is about the balance.

Right now it is about how can I be fully present with my  parents and also take care of myself and honor what I need. How can I have awareness of all the ways in which I nit pick myself and also fiercely choose love in the face. How can I notice the ways I am triggered by my family and not let it define me or our moments together.

I got off work tonight and I decided to just come home. Spend an evening alone, playing music, sitting in silence, writing, and then going to bed early. I decided to be gentle and pause.

We free ourselves when we are gentle. We free ourselves when we listen to what we need in each moment. We free ourselves when we speak truth about what we need and do it in a loving way. We free ourselves when we allow ourselves to be.

I am on the crux of learning so much about myself and life. I knew the second I signed on to move to Denver that this is what I was embarking upon. The first month I was here I felt resistance to go there. I was drinking quite a bit and going out and being super social and NEVER SPENDING A MOMENT ALONE, because I knew that the crux was coming, the shifting was coming, the change was coming… and honestly it terrifies the shit out of me and also IS SOOOOO EXCITING.

My parents being here is just another push into me becoming my greatest self. I can’t ignore what comes up when I am around them. They mirror so many beautiful things to me.

Ram Dass says it best:

“If you think you’re enlightened go spend a week with your family.”

Amen.

Tomorrow I am taking them hiking again and my only goal is to be exactly where I am. Be kind to myself. LOVE MYSELF AND MY PARENTS FIERCELY. And have a hell of a time.

To the crux and to learning and to being human y’all (it’s a wild thing),

Kimberly

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Do you struggle with giving?

I was sitting with my Buddhist Monk friend, Geshe, yesterday and I told him

I am stingy.

How do I become more giving?

Let me start by saying that I am giving. I want to own that I love to give but only of very certain things: my time, words of encouragement, love, and acts of service.

I was recently at a dear friends house who was moving and I asked her what I could for her, she said in a quiet voice would you mind washing my baseboards. Of course I said and was elated to be able to do something to help her.

Yet there are some areas of life where I am not giving: money or my material things. I tend to grasp and hold tightly onto my money and my things.

When I brought this up with Geshe he said many profound things and here are a few I want to pass along:

  1. The desire to be stingy is based in fear, fear that there isn’t enough.
  2. He said, Kimberly the only reason you are stingy with money and material things is because you have forgotten that all money and things are not actually yours they are the Worlds and the Universe’s. They are part of the collective of everything that exists. 
  3. He also said true giving has no expectations attached to it. True giving is just that. It is giving without expecting anything in return. It is trusting that when you give that it will come back to you. It might not come back to you in the same form but understand and believing that it will indeed come back.
  4. He also made a profound distinction for me. Giving is not about what you do. Generosity is a state of being. It is a way of living. It is who you are. When generosity becomes your truest nature then everything you do, you do in a generous way. It isn’t like you are generous one moment and then not the next. It is the way you breath, walk, and do everything.

I took what he said and I sat with it last night. I also am reading a book called Self-Observation by Red Hawk and in it, it states “the act of self observation is the only change a human being needs to make in her behavior, everything else, all fundamental changes in behavior, emotion, and thinking arise as a by-product of this practice”. (9)

Combining all of this new information I have concluded this:

In order to become more generous I must just become aware and observe my current relationship with giving. Notice the moments when I want to be stingy or I am living in fear. Simply notice. Notice time and time and time again. Notice the patterns and then watch them break down overtime.

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become a master of something. I believe this to be no different. It might 10,000 times to see a pattern before it breaks or before you can guess that it is coming before it actually comes and to be able to in those moments change direction, path, or behavior. It is in the continual observation without judgment that it becomes possible to do something different. 

This brings up another huge thing for me and it is around judgment. When we simple observe and don’t judge ourselves then we stop destroying ourselves, our hearts, our souls, and our confidence. We just see what is happening and allow it to be which gives it space to evolve, grow, and shift or change.

I also believe that to become generous it takes simply asking yourself in moments of awareness if I were walking my life in generosity what would it look like?

And in those moments if it feels right  to play with shifting into what my vision is and trying something new. Experimenting with how I am. In those moments practice giving without expectations. Practice walking in generosity. Notice and practice.

Notice and practice.

Now it is your turn to share! I want to hear from you.

In what ways do you notice you struggle with giving? Or in what ways do you love to give and how does giving make you feel?

Please share below and also if you are so called share these words with anyone you think could gain something from them!

In deep gratitude,

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Organic Vs. Not

As I roamed around Arches National Park the last few days I have gotten really curious about the things in my life that I try to force to happen. Maybe relationships that aren’t right for me or trying to fit my career into a box or whatever it might be…

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Delicate Arch // Arches National Park

This beautiful, brilliant park is created organically by the shifting of the earth, the elements, and erosion. There is nothing forced or not natural happening. There aren’t men with hats coming to break away pieces of rock in the middle of the night to create these awe-inspiring rock monuments/statues/pieces of art.

There are areas and times in my life that I feel pressure to:

Look a certain way.

Make a certain amount of money.

Follow a certain prescription for life: college, marriage, babies, buying a home, retirement…

Find the perfect partner.

Taking a certain amount of time to heal from my divorce.

Whatever it is, I let the pressures of society or others words impede my own journey. I am also clear that my journey is not going to look like anyone else’s. I can look to people for wisdom AND this journey is unique to me. No one can tell me what I need or what moves to make next. I am not interested in conforming to some idea that people have about me or my life…

So my inquiry is:

How can I find the balance between being the active participant and creator of my life AND let my life organically take form?

I notice that sometimes I want to manipulate things or situations in my life in order to get a certain outcome or feel safe and secure. This manipulation feels forced and like so much work. Plus it is attached to an outcome that might not even happen no matter how much I try to make it happen. I notice I do this most when I am in fear about never falling in love again or never making enough money in my business to actually be able to live the life that I want or fear that I won’t be accepted exactly as I am. There is some pressure that life must look a certain way for me to be okay. It is like when you make enough money then you can breathe and do what you want and when you find a partner you can relax and put focus on other things… succumbing to these ideas does nothing but give me anxiety.

To allow things to form organically feels to me more authentic. I am not sure that this means that I don’t play an active part in my life. I think there is a delicate balance here… My definition of balance is nothing but a constant checking in with myself to make sure I am honoring my deepest desires and needs as I walk through this life. I also want to make sure I am not harming others on the path.

I am not sure what the answer is and I am pretty sure to allow my life to organically take form means I am going to have to let go of some past patterning. Some attachments. Let go of thoughts or ideas of what my life is supposed to look like. Trust that each step of the way will present itself and all I have to do is show up and do the work. This is entirely different level of trust that I am entering into. Trust that what I need to do is going to be shown to me and trust that I can do what I am being called to do.

This inquiry is coming from a place of being completely exhausted worrying about the future. I can’t worry about the future anymore. I can’t try to conform to something I am not or that doesn’t feel right to me. It stresses me out. All that I know is that when I get grounded in this moment that everything is perfect.  I am sitting in a hotel room typing this blog… nothing else exists.  All the ideas and thoughts about what my life should or could look like don’t exist. All the stress is about something that isn’t even real. When I live in the future and try to manipulate my life and situations to serve a future goal my life begins to feel overwhelming and not in flow. It feels forced and like too much damn work.

I am willing to do the work when it feels like the best next move to me. Like this morning, for example, I woke up at the crack of dawn to pack up my campsite to make sure I made it to cell service to take my client calls. This felt easy even though it took something to get everything together. It didn’t feel forced. I am beginning to trust that I can tell the difference. Maybe that’s the balance…

If I am not sure simply asking the questions:

Does this feel forced or does it feel natural? Does it feel light in my body or heavy?

And trust what comes up.

What do you think? How do yo balance actively creating your life and allowing it to form organically?

Please share below…

In deep thought,

Kimberly

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My favorite place to cry…

Is in a bear claw tube.

Yesterday was an emotional day for me. Maybe it was because I spent the day being active. I did a 20 mile bike ride through the back country of Salida and then I hiked up the iconic S Mountain which gives an amazing view of the entire city of Salida and the most condensed 14ers in Colorado. Here are some pictures.

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The view of the Arkansas River in Salida, CO

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View from S Mountain

Salida, CO

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View from my bike ride on the roads less traveled.

Salida, CO

After I biked and hiked I went and grabbed a beer with a friend I met. After the beer I walked home and then all the emotions hit me. In other words I started to feel like I was going to cry. The room I am staying in, in this bed and breakfast, has a bear claw tube…so you guessed it, I filled it up, made it all bubbly and then I laid there and cried. I let it all out too… the crying that when you are done you are done because there are literally no tears left in your entire body! I want every experience I have to be one that is serving my highest self, my most honored and loved self. Even when I cry. There is no shame in crying… In fact it is a physical and emotional release. It is a letting go process and it then creates more open space for you to take in more good in your life and create whatever your heart desires!

Here are some more of my favorite things:

Eatting the same meal over and over and over again. Meal of choice ‘hash’… take your favorite veggies and throw them in a pan with some coconut oil and just let them cook… add your favorite meat or eggs and then top it with salsa and cottage cheese!

Sitting in coffee shops for hours while drinking  way too much coffee.

Writing poetry about things I see people do, the simple things, that most of us do without even thinking about.

To fall in love with people. Both romantically and platonically.

Kissing, I love kissing.

To receive a text message from someone I love. I also love to text message bomb… sending text messages to all the people I adore!

To spend most of my money on self-care… sometimes massage, therapy, intuitive healers, psychics. It is one of my favorite things to do.

Bike or walk over driving any day.

Talking to complete strangers.

Talking to myself. I love when I am doing this and I crack myself up and start laughing at completely inappropriate times…

Listening to the same music over and over and over again until I literally can’t take it anymore. Exceptions: Incubus and Iron and Wine — I could listen to them forever.

Hugging. I have a reputation for hugging people too long… Sorry/not sorry!!

If I am feeling nervous or upset I love to sing. Sing my heart out. It makes me feel grounded. It makes me feel powerful. It makes me feel sexy. It makes me feel…

When my feet are black… to me this is a sign I am playing and adventuring just the right amount! Black feet are my sweet spot!

Having half of my bed covered in books and journals. I sleep this way. I had someone who studies feng shui tell me that this is showing the Universe I am not ready for a partner to sleep in my bed… I think it is telling the Universe that some of the most loyal lovers are books and my writings.

Falling asleep with all of my clothes on.

I love acknowledging the things I love about life and about myself. These are the things that make me unique and make me who I am. It is a practice that I have been doing for quite sometime now. I want to be more myself and the way I started doing that was by noticing the things I loved, each day, every moment. Also noticing the things that are not my favorite, an example driving in a big city. I would rather spend the extra money and take a cab or an uber.

What are your favorite things about life and about yourself? Please share them below. Feel free to list them like I did!

Let us together celebrate life. Celebrate ourselves. Celebrate every single moment of this magical existence… what is happening right now will never happen the same exact way again…making this moment perfect, unique and majestic!

xoxo,
Kimberly

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Traveling Entrepreneur, my ass…

I have only be in Denver two days and maneuvering through clients, a new place, a new space, time, energy… ahhh everything. It feels intense. It feels exciting. Mostly though, it feels intense.

I am assuming this what a blind person might feel like trying to figure out a new place or situation. I once watched this documentary about a blind man who white water kayaked the Colorado River.

This story now has a whole new meaning to me because I feel as if that is what I am doing. Blindly going about creating my dream life. Not really knowing what I am doing.

The what is, is:

My phone doesn’t work in my new apartment, which is totally fine except this is how I see clients. In a pinch I remembered that since I have wifi I can use my google phone. Thank you google. So grateful for this resource! P.s. it works great!

I feel extremely tired and I am told it is because of the elevation change. I am not sure but shoot I feel exhausted. This gave me an excuse to visit a local coffee hangout Europa Coffee House, which is like 50 feet from my front door. The coffee was great. The men were beautiful. (Everyone should know how boy crazy I am … now feels like the right time to share this truth.) And it had real great energy. People reading. People sharing space with friends. Good music. It reminded me of my local hangout Onyx Coffee Lab in Arkansas. It will be my home away from home!

I got lost walking two blocks yesterday. Literally, I couldn’t understand my phone GPS and I legitimately got lost in two measly blocks. (Ohh if you don’t know this already, I am not directionally competent.) Well not yet at least. I was proud of myself though I didn’t ask anyone for help, I figured it out all on my own. What seems like a small feat sometimes is bigger than you know!

I drank a few brews (Denver Pale Ale) my first night in Denver and woke up feeling not super hot. This was the Thursday I was talking about in my first blog (read it here if you haven’t yet) so as you all know I had a day full of clients and work ahead of me. I didn’t drink that much but once again everyone is saying it is because of elevation change. The word on the street is that you can drink like normal and then you just wake up feeling like you might die because of change in climate and elevation.

I got confused about my time change from central to mountain time and may or maybe have messed up a few client calls. This was an opportunity to be authentic and transparent. This was also an opportunity for me to connect with my clients, reach out, offer them a gift for the mess up, and just really truly be present with them.

All in a 48 hour time span. Pretty solid if you ask me.

For some reason none of that mattered. I am a human that is going to mess up and sometimes I will mess up more than other times. This being one of those times. I also am being kind to myself. I know that during transition things might get crazy, unorganized, confused, messed up, and disorienting. I feel like if I were a DJ right now I would send myself a love song, telling me everything is going to be alright.

In fact… this one goes out to…. well… me

As I follow what sets my heart on fire something else really beautiful is happening, a natural state of compassion. I have the space to be deeply kind and compassionate to myself because I am amazed by what I am doing. I am in awe of my drive to go after what I want. It makes me honor myself in a completely different way. It makes me trust myself.

Plus, learning how to travel and take care of my child, The Revolutionary Living Institute, is going to be a journey. I feel like it is going to take some adjustment, patience, compassion, kindness, and trust that I can always figure it out! Wanting to be a dirtbag entrepreneur is one thing but making it happen is another.

Things are well here in Denver. Cheers to a lovely weekend. I can’t wait to share more about my adventures.

Xoxo,

Kimberly

 

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I barely made it…

I almost didn’t go to Denver.

Seriously I didn’t.

This morning I was lying in my moms bed all warm and comfortable; I began to think about the next few days ahead of me and what it might look like to get into my car and drive to Denver. My One Year Alone journey is starting in Denver and is supposed to start today. Anxiety began to set in. I knew that the first full day I would be in Denver would be a Thursday, which is my busiest client and work day. So I began to change my plans. I thought, man, maybe I should leave and go to Denver on Friday. Friday makes more sense and is such a better day. I won’t be busy. I can spend the next two days at my moms house getting all my work done and not have to stress about anything. Well to intensify my already intense thoughts, about this time,  my dad turns on the weather channel.  I hear the low, deep voice begin talking about a ‘storm’ that is coming in from the west and is supposed to be in the direct path I am driving to Denver. There was a red circle on the screen (which was highlighting where I would be driving) and it said severe weather from noon to 6:00pm (pretty much my entire time driving). I started to doubt myself. Should I go? Is the Universe giving me a sign. Is this really what I want? God, this feels so uncomfortable. I can barely breathe. How in the hell am I going to make it the next year? I don’t think I can do this. Maybe I should just stay in Fayetteville and do my business here. Every single thought you could think of presented itself.

My breath was becoming really shallow…

So I sat… took out a pen and decided I to write, get everything out, and get clear. Before I could write I knew I needed to catch my breath. I closed my eyes and I just started to breathe, really deep breaths, over and over again. Breathing in. Breathing out. My breath deepened and  as it did my truest self spoke to me:

“Kimberly there will always be a million things that will try to stop you. You must keep moving. Go. Trust. Love. The rest will be revealed to you. Nothing can stop you, unless you let it.”

In this moment I knew this was truth.  I also gave myself credit and realized that I have all the resources I need to get through anything. If there is bad weather I can stop, rent a hotel room, and wait it out. If my workload is overwhelming on Thursday or ever I can request help, push back dates, or find a space in Denver to campout without distraction and do everything I need to do. I can do anything… literally. Nothing can stop me. I am capable to move and maneuver though whatever presents itself to me today, tomorrow, and forever.

Then I stood up. Gathered my things. Put them in my car and kissed my parents goodbye. Today, I drove from Fayetteville to Denver. I have never driven this far by myself. I have flown many places on my own but never just me and my car and everything I own.  The weather was beautiful. It stormed on me for about 30 minutes and it was a really light rain. The storm gifted me with a rainbow and clouds that could change anyones day. I arrived in Denver and was offered a two bedroom apartment to rent. This apartment was supposed to be rented. But for some reason no one rented it in only October. I took it. It is magical in this apartment…I mean magical! I was gifted upon my arrival with a night of wonderful food, drink, and people. All of the humans I met yesterday are absolutely wonderful. Many of the people I met are from Arkansas. One of them is best friends with my oldest brother (for people that know me and my brother… this is such a blessing in my life to meet someone who loves my brother so much) and one of them (the girl I am renting the apartment from) use to compete in forensics with me when we were in high school. I mean seriously… completely amazing. I showed up for my life and life said YES.

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  (If you look for it, even your darkness will offer you gifts of beauty, joy, and opportunity.

Picture taken by my iPhone on my trip to Denver.)

Thank you Universe for the strength to listen, honor, and keep moving.

Excited for the journey ahead. I am here. I promise to show up, honor my hearts calling, trust, and let the rest unfold as it will.

To not letting anything stop you,

Kimberly

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