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Parents and Enlightenment…

There are moments in life when you are on the crux of something big. You can feel it in every inch of your body. In every moment of your days. In everything…

The experience can easily be confused for fear, anxiety, or intensity. For being lost. For feeling confused or like you have no idea what is going on.

I am at one of those moments. I am triggered by everything while I also understand everything a little bit more than I did yesterday or the moment before.

My parents are here visiting. They are amazing. They are everything to me. They have shown me what family is. They have shown me what love is. They have shown me so much about life and living.

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Yet they are here and I find myself so triggered. I find myself having anxiety. I find myself being intense.

Nothing is wrong. Nothing is bad. Yet something gets said and I revert back to my 10 year old self that doesn’t know how to say what she needs, ask for what she wants, or speak clearly and coherently about anything. Instead I shut down. I want to argue. I want to raise my voice.

This morning hiking the Flatirons in Boulder (picture above) I find myself feeling annoyed by little things they are doing. Talking on the phone during the hike, making comments about people and what they are doing… I begin sticking up for people who live on the edge and want adventure and don’t care if they die doing it. I sooo get this type of person. I am this type of person.

Then later trying to figuring out brunch plans me and my father get into it. He doesn’t want to spend a lot of money on breakfast (understandable) I don’t want to make a decision because I don’t have a preference. We begin to clash. I shut down. I being to feel like fuck I don’t know how to relate to them. Why can’t I just talk to them. Why do I feel this way. Why do I feel like I just want to go be alone and never see another human again. Why do I feel soooo fucking bad at this. At life. At relationships. At being kind to and accepting of my parents. Why…. like why can’t I just let them be and why can’t I just be and why can’t everything just be gravy and cool and calm and collected?

I went to work after hiking and brunch. I left work hours later feeling so awful about how I treated them. They are getting old and what if this is the last time I get to see them? What if something happens to them and they made all of this effort to come to Colorado to see me and I am just being a dick? What if I live in Colorado forever and I only see them once a year again and I don’t get to know them in their old age? I feel so much guilt…. Then I just want to cry….

guilt

tears

guilt

tears

guilt

tears

more guilt

more tears

My heart aches as I write this. All I really want for them to know is how much I love them. How much I long to not take a single day with them for granted. How grateful I am to have them in my life. How grateful I am that they came all this way to be with me. How fucking amazing they are and how much I love them.

I just want to be present with them. I want to laugh with them. I want to sit with them. I want to know them… I want to know them… God I just want to know them

I know this feeling I know this moment I know RIGHT NOW I am on the crux…

The crux of accepting myself. I can’t accept my own parents because I can’t accept myself.

I do something and I guilt myself until I can barely function.

I spend so much of my life picking at myself. My failures. My inability to not fuck up relationships with everyone. My imperfect body. My intensity. My being too emotional… My permanent limitations.

Pick.

Pick.

Pick.

Pick.

No wonder I am picking on them… this is how I treat myself all of the time. Nothing I can do is good enough so why would it be different for other people in my life?

Fuck.

Pause…. breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Gentle.

Breathe.

It is okay to get annoyed. It doesn’t have to overtake me. It is okay to not know how to accept everything. It doesn’t have to define me, them, or their trip here. It is okay that I am triggered by them… it is not WHO I AM.  It is okay that I am learning to love all of me. This will be a life long practice.

It is okay to be whatever you are in each moment. It is normal. It is the human condition to feel emotion and have thoughts and feel certain ways. It does not have to become a definition of anything you are. It can just be. Then you can watch them change because they will always change. Your emotions, thoughts, and feelings will always change. They are not permanent. They ebb and flow and change and evolve, ALWAYS.

They are information for you. I realized as I was contemplating writing this blog that I have been working 8 hour days, spending all my time off with my parents, and then repeating. I just moved to a new city. I am in a new home. I have had no time to myself. I have not been taking care of myself. This is the perfect storm for many things… mostly GROWTH. AWARENESS. AN OPPORTUNITY TO BE GENTLE.

Life is about the balance.

Right now it is about how can I be fully present with my  parents and also take care of myself and honor what I need. How can I have awareness of all the ways in which I nit pick myself and also fiercely choose love in the face. How can I notice the ways I am triggered by my family and not let it define me or our moments together.

I got off work tonight and I decided to just come home. Spend an evening alone, playing music, sitting in silence, writing, and then going to bed early. I decided to be gentle and pause.

We free ourselves when we are gentle. We free ourselves when we listen to what we need in each moment. We free ourselves when we speak truth about what we need and do it in a loving way. We free ourselves when we allow ourselves to be.

I am on the crux of learning so much about myself and life. I knew the second I signed on to move to Denver that this is what I was embarking upon. The first month I was here I felt resistance to go there. I was drinking quite a bit and going out and being super social and NEVER SPENDING A MOMENT ALONE, because I knew that the crux was coming, the shifting was coming, the change was coming… and honestly it terrifies the shit out of me and also IS SOOOOO EXCITING.

My parents being here is just another push into me becoming my greatest self. I can’t ignore what comes up when I am around them. They mirror so many beautiful things to me.

Ram Dass says it best:

“If you think you’re enlightened go spend a week with your family.”

Amen.

Tomorrow I am taking them hiking again and my only goal is to be exactly where I am. Be kind to myself. LOVE MYSELF AND MY PARENTS FIERCELY. And have a hell of a time.

To the crux and to learning and to being human y’all (it’s a wild thing),

Kimberly

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Three years ago…

Yesterday I had this thought

You should email Lance (my ex-husband).

Immediately I thought… if I did that what would I say…

As soon as the thought came in the breaking began… Tears falling, heart pounding and ripping open…

I would say

WHAT THE FUCK MAN…

Why didn’t you try with us?

Why did you just so easily give up on everything we had built?

Why can’t you see me? Why can’t you see my goodness? 

Why didn’t you just fucking communicate about your struggle and unhappiness? I could have done something. We could have done something.

Why…

Why…

Why did you fucking give up?

I would have spent  my whole life loving you and growing and breaking and rebuilding with you… can’t you see that? Don’t you know that? 

I sat on my bed heaped over my own legs, bowing to myself, no longer holding it together, falling completely apart, humbled by the ripping and breaking of my heart.

Why did no one tell me love would hurt this badly. Why did no one tell me that to love would also mean to be broken down to nothing. Why did no one tell me three years after my divorce that I would still be utterly heart broken…

The most painful part is feeling like I will never be seen by the man that I have loved the most. That he will always see me as the thing that caused him the most pain and suffering. That he will always know me as the woman he couldn’t be himself with. That he will never know my heart…

As I say this I know the truth…

 

The truth is that the pain actually lies in what he is mirroring to me…

The pain of not seeing my own beauty and wholeness.

The pain of knowing I cause my own pain and suffering.

The pain of not being able to be myself all of the time and at times not even knowing what that means.

The pain of not knowing my own heart.

My husband leaving me was the greatest blessing and gift anyone has ever given me thus far in life.

Today marks three years…

Of course it was Facebook that reminded me of this…

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This is a picture of me in Vegas with my best friend, Krista, who was one of the amazing women who rescued me from the depths of my despair during this time of my life. 

I want to say thank you Lance. Thank you for following your heart and trusting what you needed for in you doing so you catalyzed something major in me…

You gifted me with the opportunity to know myself, fall deeply in love with myself, and see myself fully.  Our breaking freed me from the shackles of codependency.  It freed me from the bondage of thinking my happiness and joy for life would come from another. It freed me from the karmic ties of giving everything I am to everyone else but myself. It gifted me with the ability to learn how to take care of myself and trust myself and trust God and trust all that is unfolding here. It gifted me with my breaking… It gifted me my life.

It is like what Cynthia Occelli say’s

“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.”

My divorce was the catalyst to my destruction. For it I am eternally grateful.

Through sitting with my thoughts, sadness, and writing this blog I know that my true desire to email him is my desire to know and love myself more. It is not him I am seeking after it is myself. He does not hold my answers, I do.

I moved to Denver to be alone on a bigger scale. I knew that it would bring up the things I can so easily avoid when living in a place I know and feel comfortable. I knew it would be the passage way to deeper healing and growth. I knew it would be another layer of my breaking.

If you are experiencing heart break please know you are not alone. I am with you. I see you. I feel you. It hurts and it is it. This is it. Allow it alter you and destroy you. Allow it to break you so apart that the only thing left for you to do is rebuild, grow, and blossom. This is one of those moments in life when even though you might not be able to see it something amazing is happening and manifesting.

May we be like sea glass allowing the rough waters of the ocean to smooth us and shape us. Maybe we be like the seed and come completely undone and be destroyed so that we can achieve our greatest expression.

God I love you all. Thank you for the most beautiful, safest place to share my journey, my heart, my pain… all of it.

xoxo Kimberly

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I have no idea what I am doing…

I want to tell everyone a secret that they may or may not know about me…

90% of the time I LITERALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING.

Maybe more, maybe less depending on the day and time you ask me.

I am not trying to be facetious. I am simply trying to be honest and vulnerable about something most people feel yet not many have the courage to talk about.

I have this deep feeling that no one… no one really knows fully what they are doing. If someone acts like they know everything… don’t believe them.

Society has this way of tricking us into thinking we should have our shit together and know what we are doing. There is also the saying “fake it til you make it”.  I am not against this saying. I believe that we are what we think so we can think ourselves into anything even success or failure or all of the above.

My only curiosity about this is why is it not okay to not know? Why must we fake it? Why can’t we say I have no idea what I am doing?

There are 1 million ways we as humans could spend our time, resources, and energies. It feels overwhelming at times. I feel like a failure so much of my life because I am not doing ‘what I should be doing’. Getting more education. Spending more time hustling and working harder. Putting tons of money into savings and preparing for the later years of my life. Buying a house instead of renting. Dating. Having babies… I mean the list goes on. Don’t get me wrong I have things I want to do in this life time… I have lots of things I dream of doing.

Let me rehash my life right now. I own a business that I love. The Revolutionary Living Institute. I am a Life Coach that specializes in NLP (Neurolinguistic Programing) and I love it.  I love helping people explore and empower themselves and their lives, and helping them navigate through the challenges of life. I LOOOOVE IT.  Yet I don’t do it full time because of the 100 reasons I have made up as to why I can’t. So to make enough money to live I also work at a cafe. I love working in cafe’s. I don’t just do it and hate it. I genuine love it too for many reasons: I love coffee, I love being a part of a tight knit community, and I loooove to work in the service industry. And with all of the things I love about it still feels as though that working at the cafe is distracting me from my real dreams. Is this true? Why do I feel this way? Why must I question myself instead of trusting the path?

My other dreams are to love and accept all humans fiercely, be in a band, speak multiple languages, and to be a damnnnnn good dancer and dance as often as I can!!

Yet I spend a lot of my time not working towards what I want. If I know the things that I want to do and I know the things that make me feel alive and happy then why aren’t I doing them?  Why do I beat myself up for not being further along? Why do I create suffering for myself because of some future dream that I don’t even know will happen instead of enjoying my present moment? Why can these ideas of what I want so easily pull the joy out of my present moments? How do I know what will move me closer to my dreams or not?  Life is full of surprises our dreams live in the unknown moments of life. In fact isn’t everything unknown to a certain extent?

Honestly I don’t have the answer to any of these questions. I am not sure anyone does. We are all here on this wild ride called life.

Instead of questioning I want to enjoy life. I want to trust that everything is perfect. Trust that being present is my only job here. Trust that I am on the right path and that things ARE happening. Trust that timing is it’s own thing and I am not in control. Trust that I will know everything when I need to know it and TRUST that I am doing things…

I deeply believe that by trusting and being present everything will reveal itself and move you closer. I believe that is it. That is the only knowing I need.

What I also know is…

What I know is that up until this moment I have done the best I can. What I do know is that if things where meant to be different then they would be. What I do know is that being hard on myself gets me no where.  It is by loving myself in the moments of over thinking, criticism, and judgment that I will move through those experiences and moments with grace.

What I do know is since I have lived in Denver I have:

Started a new job.

Been to three dance parties.

Met some amazing people.

Had multiple brilliant adventures with my best friend.

Auditioned for a band.

Moved into my own apartment.

Talked to multiple people about my business and passions in life.

I have put myself out there.

I have done some amazing things and it has only been a month.

What I know is that I am proud of myself for moving to the city that I want to live in.  What I know is that I am in the hardest part. I am in the transitional part of not knowing anyone and feeling lost and aimless. What I know is that I don’t have to be so hard on myself. I can be gentle, compassionate, kind, and loving.

Lastly, what I do know is that I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING and that that is perfect.

I am unsure if the feeling of not knowing what I am doing will ever go away AND my prayer is that I have the courage to keep going and find trust and peace in the midst of the not knowing.

My prayer is to be present and grounded so that when opportunities appear I can take them.

My prayer is that I can love myself with the same unconditionality that I love others as I continue on my path. My prayer is that I am gentle with myself in the face of all that happens here.

My prayer is that I never give up.

That I never give up so that others also know they have the option of never giving up.

<3 <3 To not knowing and being fucking okay with it,

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This is pretty huge…

So I have been in Denver only 3 weeks and it feels like I have lived here forever, which I am totally taking as a good sign.

Let me recap…

I’ve started a job at an awesome coffee company, Corvus Coffee, check out what they are up to.

An amazing apartment in the South Highlands of Denver found me. Let me just say this again. AN APARTMENT FOUDN ME, and it is the perfect space and price for my budget. It literally has everything. It has internet. It is fully furnished so I don’t have to buy any furniture. It is tiny so I can’t collect a bunch of stuff I don’t need. It has washer/dryer. It has an amazing landlord who is an organic Chef and Caterer in the city! (I start moving tomorrow!) I say the apartment found me because I met this woman at Corvus and she then called the coffee shop after she left and offered me the studio apartment in her home.

I have been exploring. I went hiking with a co-worker. I went to a winery with my best friend and roomie. I’ve been taking long walks. Seeing parts of the city I’ve never seen. Also just been having a really, really good time!!

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South Boulder Peak (8500 feet- Pretty Intense Hike) 

LASTLY this is the HUUUUUGE THING. Last night I auditioned to be a singer in a country band. So here is the deal. I have zero… let me say it again ZEEEERROOOO technical singing training. Yet I love singing. Singing for me is my heart. It makes me feel alive. It gives me a fire. So trying out for a band and potentially having them say NOOOOO to me is a hugeeeee deal. Yet I love to sing. So as scared as I was I just showed up. I tried. I gave it my all.

So to make a long story short the audition went well…

Good and DISASTROUS!  

Good because they liked my voice and WELL I DIDN’T DIE.

Disastrous because holy shit I struggle harmonizing. Let me just say in my defense (not that this is needed except for my precious heart) I only had 24 hours to learn 3 songs AND I have never tried out for a band or sang with a band or done anything like this ever before…

Harmonizing with three instruments and another voice is well WICKED HARD FOR ME.

So well I learned that. I also will be promptly learning how to harmonize… (if any of you out there have tips or can help me please post in my comments!!!)

I also learned that I can and will do anything in this lifetime. I am going to so hardcore go after my dreams. I am going to feverishly do the things I am called to do. This to me is life. Being present and answering the damn call every single time you hear it.

Woooo that felt good to all share…

OH and lastly I heard today that my ex-husband is engaged. Can’t say I’m surprised just didn’t expect it. Especially because because the thought of marriage seems so far off to me. My only prayer for him is that he is happy, like not surface happy, but deep down in his soul happy.

Man this is a wild week. 

Moving

Auditioning

My ex-husband is getting married

Shit… is all I can really say.

So much is happening. So much to process. Sooooo much goodness. So much change.

Here we go… Denver this is going to be a wild ride.

Cheers <3 <3

Kimberly
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Dennnnnverrrrrrrr…

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Photo of the front range right outside the city…

Yesterday my friend Jackie and I sat outside at one of her favorite coffee shops in the heart of the Art District on Santa Fe drinking earl gray tea. As we sat talking about life something magical happened. People began to come and sit with us. Within an hour we had 6 people surrounding us as we shared about our lives and talked about healing the planet. All of us strangers made quick friends. All swapping phone numbers and business cards. All conspiring about how to collaborate and bring our gifts and talents together to alter the planet.

It was beautiful. In that moment I knew I was in the right place. Denver has been calling me for years, yet it had never been quite right to move there, until now.

I moved to Denver two days ago. Two days ago guys…ahhhhhhh… saying it out loud makes it so much more real.

Like this time I really moved. Got rid of everything I own except what would fit into my car. Said real goodbyes and see you laters to my family and my closest friends and those who’ve I’ve only knowing for short times. In the last 3 years I have done lots of solo travel and adventure trips but this is the first time that I am embarking upon a move and putting down roots somewhere other than Arkansas.

My commitment to Denver is 2 years. I am giving myself 2 years to try something new. Dive deep into myself. Explore a new place. And put my mark on the world.

Being bold and creating my life is not something that just comes naturally to me. A big part of me wants to play it safe and stay comfortable BUT then there is another part of me that calls in a louder way. It is the part of me that knows I am here to do something big. To guide humans through their suffering. To bring truth about love to the people.  To be a light here. Answering that calling and being bold is something I have to practice daily. It is a listening. When I listen and am grounded and hear the call my only responsibility is to answer.

What we do daily is what we practice in our lives. What are you practicing? Does what you are practicing move you closer to what you want to accomplish in this lifetime?

During my transition and sharing with others I was moving so many people have asked me why Denver? Do you have someone out there? Do you have work out there?

Now that the eagle has landed it is true that I have some stuff out here. I have an office space to do my Empowerment Life Coaching. I have a job in coffee. I have a place to live, which just so happens to be with a dear friend of mine, but mostly what I have is a new platform to heal, explore who the hell is Kimberly, and love on a new set of people and places.

My mission in life is to love fiercely all who I encounter. To be a presence in my life and the life of others. To inspire others by simply being.

I know that to do those things I must follow my own heart. I must go after my own passions and dreams. I must be bold in how I live.

I don’t just do the things I do or act the way I act just because… it didn’t’ just happen to me. I do the things I do because I believe I am being called to do the things I do. I act the way I act because I believe it is my path and calling in this world. I am a medicine woman. I am a thought leader. I am here to catalyze change. I am a lover sent here to love.

Denver is my next city to take over.

My prayer is that I can be present with each person I meet and will have the courage to listen and know what to say and when to say it. My prayer is that I build a community here that is surrounded by common values and goals: connection, awakening, and being a force in the world in whatever way is most aligned with you. My prayer is to never harm another starting first with myself. My prayer is to have the courage to love, be vulnerable, and trust the journey.

Denver the time has come. This is it. Holy shit, this is it!!!

Rock and roll.

Sooo much love and excitement,

Kimberly

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Request for Connections…

I land in Denver tomorrow….

eeeekkkkkkkk and I have a beautiful request for all of you amazing humans out there!!

Do you know anyone in Denver who is awesome, amazing, inspiring, fun, and loving that you think I should connect with?

I know you know amazing people and I want to begin building my tribe as soon as I arrive!!

If you know anyone PLLLLEASE CONNECT ME! My request is that you would send an email to both of us and connect us! I can take it from there!! ORRRRR send me an email with their info and I will contact them!!

Here is my email of choice:

kimberlyallysejohnson@gmail.com

Thank you thank you thank you in advance!!

yayayayayay!!! Mountain air here I come!

With love,

Kimberly

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Embrace your body…

I’ve been struggling with body image lately. I haven’t been as active and I’ve been super social (eating and drinking all of the things) saying goodbye to good friends. Celebrating my last few weeks in Arkansas. Yet instead of just being in the bliss I have found myself picking at myself. I should be eating better. I should be exercising more. I should be this or that… Saying things like…

Great Kimberly you will show up in Denver and not be attractive and then no one will hire you and you won’t get what you want… once again.  I mean the list goes on…

This is what our brains do. Because I am in this space I want to speak to it. I want to speak to the ideas of self-love and self-care. I believe there is a misconception…

Many people believe that self-love and self-care is some moment in time when all of the sudden poof: you no longer nit pick your body, you no longer emotionally eat cookie dough in the middle of the night, your weight no longer fluctuates, you make it to every yoga class you’ve paid for, and you get massages twice a month to show yourself how much you mean to yourself, and you never have a negative thought about who you are…

SORRY TO BURST YOUR BUBBLE…

THIS IS NOW HOW SELF-CARE AND SELF-LOVE WORKS

Well maybe for some people it is how it works. Yet I can be almost 100% sure that they still have moments of self depreciation, self doubt, judgement, harshness… all of things that humans deal with.

You are human. We are here on a journey. There is no destination to reach… it is the journey.

To take care of ourselves and to love ourselves is a life long practice.

It is a cultivation of presence and knowing yourself.

It is a cultivation of listening to your gut and then honoring the calls that come from deep within.

It is a moment by moment process of listening, taking action, being gentle when you don’t take action, and then repeating.

We aren’t always going to honor what we need. We aren’t always going to love our bodies. We aren’t always going to do what we know is best for us. We aren’t perfect.

Perfection is not the point of life. 

The point of life is

connection

love

growth

joy

awareness

being

We are here with the opportunity to play and learn to dance with ourselves. Dance in the moments of being aligned and in-tune. Dance in the moments of spending minutes in the mirror poking and prodding. Dance in the moments of judgment. Dance in the moments of compassion.

As we dance we will perfect some steps and we will fumble on others. We will learn new moves and forget those not used in time. It is this dance that is the beauty and magic of living.

This dance is longer than most. It will last until we breathe our last breath and dance into the other realm.

Aldous Huxley always pop in my head when I think about being gentle with myself, especially in times when I tend to see my flaws more than my wholeness and beauty…

“It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly my darling…”
― Aldous HuxleyIsland

In this moment I place my hands on my belly and breathe in lightness. Notice my heartbeat. Notice the rise and fall of my breath. Honoring where I am NOW. Accepting and embracing this step in the journey and on the path. Knowing my body will change and evolve as it will and acknowledging that my body will never be the same as it is today. Today is a special day for my body. It is the only day it will live on May 23rd, 2016. It is special because this day and moment will never happen again, exactly like this.

May we all take in this moment. May we all walk lightly. Being gentle on our paths. Being gentle with ourselves. Being gentle with others. May we all walk and enjoy the journey we are on. Each moment. The hills. The valleys. And the peaks!

Lightly my darling…

Kimberly

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Are you susceptible to wounding? + BIG NEWS

(There is big news at the end of this… read at your own discretion <3)

Are you susceptible to wounding?

Truth is we all are. It is part of life.  Yet we try to avoid it. We try to manipulate life or control life so that we won’t get wounded.

I think this is an illusion. There are many things in life we can’t control so when we live in a state of constantly trying to control or avoid what is inevitable we don’t get to experience life in it’s fullness or we create unnecessary suffering for ourselves.

The term that is being used often in my field to describe this is : vulnerability.

Merriam-Webster defines Vulnerability as capability of being physically or emotionally wounded.

I hear this word all of the time. I have read books on this topic. I have watched videos about vulnerability and it wasn’t until yesterday that I truly understood what this word meant for me.

I realized that I avoid vulnerability so much in my life. I feel safe writing here on my blog. I feel safe sharing something with a friend or client to help them on their journey.  Yet I never just am vulnerable to be vulnerable.

My vulnerability is always for the purpose of helping or serving another. BUT WHAT ABOUT HELPING AND SERVING MYSELF?

Yesterday I was in conversation with a man whom I really enjoy. He is attractive. He is kind. He is brilliant. He is fun. And because of the potential to have feelings I all of the sudden noticed that I wanted to shut down. I didn’t want to show my insecurities. I didn’t want to talk about what was bothering me. I didn’t want to be vulnerable aka capable of being emotionally wounded. I wanted to literally stop responding, to run, to move on and never look back. The thought in my head was “well that was fun, I will never talk to him again”. I was avoiding vulnerability to keep myself safe.

My story is if I am vulnerable and said person doesn’t reciprocate or doesn’t like it then I will be rejected. My beliefs about not being good enough will be strengthened. My beliefs about never getting what I want will be strengthened. So if I self-protect by shutting down and running then there is no risk for wounding. No risk for being hurt. No risk at all.

But is this true?

Isn’t there a risk in running or shutting down?

The risk of not being seen. The risk of not being known. The risk of not experiencing connection. The risk of not being expressed.

Aren’t those risks just as huge? Just as life changing? Just as scary?

I think I would rather be seen, known, expressed and to feel deep connection than to live into the fear of being hurt or wounded. Plus when I am openly vulnerable I will be heard, seen, and expressed… whereas the fear of being hurt is not actually known. Maybe I won’t be hurt. Fear is something that potentially could happen. It is not in real time or reality.

In fact if feels more wounding to never experience connection. It feels more wounding to not be seen or heard in my life. It feels more wounding to live in fear and not in reality.

So I decided to turn off my cell phone and go on a 6 mile walk. To allow myself to feel uncomfortable. Two hours without my phone and friend in tow I realized THAT INDEED shutting down and running is not what I am committed to. I am committed to openness, to honesty, to vulnerability, and to living boldly.

When I returned to my car I turned my phone on. I took some deep breathes and I shared my fear of vulnerability. I shared my fear of showing someone my insecurities. I shared. I didn’t run. I shared.

The best part is I am completely unsure the man understood what I was getting at. Yet it doesn’t matter. In sharing I became free. In sharing I experienced the magic of being myself and being honest. In sharing I experienced aliveness.

There is an amazing woman, Brene Brown, who speaks to shame and vulnerability. This video is amazing, I would highly recommend watching this.

Now it is your turn to share…

Where do you hide yourself? Where do you notice yourself running? Where do you notice that you keep yourself away from experiencing connection, being seen, or being heard? What do you need to say or to release that feels vulnerable but will bring you vibrancy and aliveness?

I am taking a stand for vulnerability in the world. I am taking a stand for myself. For me vulnerability feels like a entire new level of healing and creating my dream life.

SPEAKING OF MY DREAM LIFFEEEEE…… here is the news I promised.

{I am moving to Denver…}

Like really moving. I have gotten the call that it is time for me to entering into the world in a bigger way. To honor my healing process in a bolder way. To stop running. To open. To be vulnerable. To go after what I really want.

So as of June I will be a resident of Denver, Colorado.

I am committing to two years in Colorado. To allow the Rockies to enter into my soul and heal my heart on a deeper level. To do my business and my life work on a larger scale. To be bold. To go after my biggest dreams without looking back.

It is bitter sweet to leave Arkansas. This is where I grew up. This is where I am known. This is where I have had my roots AND I for the first time ever that I know that it is time. IT IS TIME TO GO BIG OR GO HOME. 

I want to live my life as an example. I want walk my talk. So here I go…

Here is to being bold. To being vulnerable. To being…

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There is no need for drama…

Three things might be happening when you find yourself caught up in  drama.

The definition of drama via Urban Dictionary (haha) is :

A way of relating to the world in which a person consistently overreacts to or greatly exaggerates the importance of benign events.

Now for the good stuff:

I have found myself the last week caught up in some drama that I honestly have no desire to be in. I found out a few weeks ago my ex-boyfriend was sleeping with someone I knew.

The issue or cause of the drama was not that he was sleeping with someone else it was the anxiety, sadness, and upset it had been causing me.

Finally the drama and the anxiety got to be too much so I knew I had to do something.

So I sat down and began to write out what all the thoughts I was having were and why I was feeling such upset around this situation. My very first thought was “I want him all to myself”. Then my second thought was “If I can’t have him I don’t want anyone else to have him”.

Woahhh I thought… then I knew this is the perfect time to do my work and to ask myself:

Is that true?

My response came quick and from my heart. Hell no that is not true. I do not want him all to myself.

So why does our brain do this, create stories or thoughts that make us feel like shit? THIS IS OUR BRAINS JOB. Our brain has 1 job and it is to obtain information, store it, and repeat it back to us to keep us safe and secure. That is it. This thought “I want him all to myself” was created probably years ago when I first began engaging in dating. I met a guy I liked and knew that if I had him all to myself then I would be safe. No one else could have him. My heart would not be hurt if I had him all to myself.  This is called a brain pattern. Our brain creates patterns to keep us safe and secure in life. Yet the problem is that our brain repeats patterns to us, because it is its job, that 1. either no longer serve us or 2. are no longer true for us. So because this is the brains job and it will continue doing its job forever we believe or live on autopilot believing that the pattern the brain is presenting is still true for us. EVEN THOUGH IT IS NO LONGER TRUE.

Until I did this exercise I was having the thought “I want him all to myself” and didn’t even realize that it was driving my anxiety and creating the outward drama. I was living like my 14 year old self trying to protect my heart. Once again this is perfectly normal and what the brain is supposed to do. The problem happens when we aren’t aware of our patterns and we believe them even though they are no longer true.

This creates unnecessary suffering.

After I asked if it was true and got the resounding answer…NO.

Then I asked:

But when you actively believe that thought to be true how do you react?

I get jealous. I get frustrated. I have anxiety. I feel sad. I feel annoyed. I feel angry. I cut people out. I create disconnection. Mostly I am not myself.

Then I asked:

So who would you be without that thought?

I would be loving. I would be kind. I WOULD BE MYSELF. I would be living my life and not thinking about his.

Then I took it a little bit further, I journaled on my new awakenings and truths for a few minutes and this came up …

There are 3 things that will always keep me in drama and keep me feeling how I don’t want to feel in relationship to others:

  1. When I don’t give myself space to feel my feelings and don’t acknowledge them as important. When I push them down or suppress them. When I think they are silly and I avoid actually sitting with them. Your feelings are worthy of being felt and being moved through. No feeling is silly or bad or wrong. Your feelings are road signs for you and offer information to you. Your feelings will shift and change if you allow yourself to experience them and acknowledge them for what they are.
  2. When I engage in the drama. When I talk to others about it. When I spend way too much of my time thinking about it. When I react to it. What we focus on grows… When you notice you are doing this, stop engaging. If someone talks to you about what is going on simply say thanks for sharing I am not interested in knowing that information.
  3. The second I believe that anyone else’s life is my business. What my ex-boyfriend does is none of my business. He is his own free agent. He gets to do whatever he wants. My only business in this life IS MY OWN. My life is my business. How am I showing up. What am I doing in my life. This is all I can control and it is the only thing that is my business. I don’t want him to have a say in my life so why in the hell do I think I should have a say in his? When we spend more time worrying about what another person is doing in their life and less time on what we are doing in our lives we are NO LONGER LIVING OUR LIVES. But there are two people living that person’s life. You are merely sleep walking in your own life.

All in all, break up’s suck. They hurt. They are sad. They make you question everything. Yet they also taught you something and my guess is they taught you something valuable so that your next relationship can be way more compatible and vibrant.

This post is about drama around a relationship I have had and I want to say this information can be used in any relationship that you find has drama or upset. See if you can reframe and investigate what is actually going on within you.

Ask yourself what would I have to be thinking to create these upset feelings? Then go through the two exercise… see if it is true, if you believe it is true how does it make you react and who you would be without the thoughts you are having? Then see if you are allowing yourself to feel your true feelings, if you are engaging in the drama, and if you are making someone else’s life your business.

I give you full permission to live your life full out. Go dance the night away. Have a girlfriends getaway. Spend the next week diligently working on getting clients for your business. Take so many walks in a week your legs are sore! LIVE YOUR LIFE. This is when things begin to heal and shift. This is when you begin to see your joy and happiness again. This is when you take your power back!

I would love to hear from you. What came up for you? Where do you find yourself caught in drama? How was this blog helpful, if at all?

Sending you love from the woods AS I LIVE MY LIFE,

Kimberly

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Men and drinking…

I have a belief about relationships I have been trying to examine. The belief is:

Expressing myself and being honest is not safe because it:

creates conflict

turns the other person off

makes the other person think I am crazy or too much or too intense

Beliefs create our actions in life…

Because of this belief when I am dating or getting to know someone I stifle my communication. I don’t say what I want to say. I hold back. I don’t speak my truth. I don’t show up fully. I stop expressing myself.

And then this happens…

I drink some wine with friends and then go on a texting spree finally feeling brave enough to express myself, speak my truth, and say all the things I have been holding back…

This is exactly what happened last night

and then this is what happened this morning…

I feel shameful. I feel regret. I question who I am and what I am doing.

I spent a few minutes going back through all the things I said and feel like shit Kimberly…

“you are such a mess”

“why can’t you just not say anything”

“you are going to push him away”

“you need to get your shit together”

“when you drink you always do things that you regret”

Blah blah blah… on repeat.

Shame.

Shame.

Shame.

Shame…..

When I realized I had spun into a shame pattern I paused and took some breaths.

I asked myself…

What is rehashing and bashing myself doing for me or anyone?

NOTHING. 

So if this is doing NOTHING what is going on here… What is the point??

I sat.

I sat more…

Then this came in … YOUR BEHAVIOR IS INFORMATION.

Your behavior, aka, wino texting explosions is just like a smoke signal.

Our behavior signals for us to pay attention because there is something to learn. Something to notice. Something to become aware of.

OUR BEHAVIOR IS JUST INFORMATION. 

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(symptoms could also be behaviors)

Holy crap… I just want to keep saying it. Our behavior is information to know ourselves better, to grow, to evolve. That is it.

Yet so many times in life our behavior becomes weaponry. It becomes things that we use against ourselves to make ourselves feel like shit or to hold over ourselves.

My behavior does not define me as a good or bad person. (This is something I talk all the time about with my clients.) If my friend told me she had wine and went on a texting spree to a man she was into I would not shame her. I would not think she was a bad person. So why do I do this to myself??

I think our behavior becomes weaponry because we have some idea that if we make ourselves feel bad enough then we will change. Same thing with other people if we make people feel bad enough for what they have done then we believe they will change. I think parents also do this with their children.

YET I DO NOT THINK THIS IS TRUE.

I think all this does is send us or others into a shame spiral and the shame spiral sends us right back into the same behavior that we want to change. It is a cycle… We do something, then we shame ourselves and then because we feel awful about ourselves and are beaten down then we just repeat and do it all over again.

For me my cycle is this:

I don’t express myself because I fear my intensity will turn people off.

I explode in expression when I am feeling brave.

I shame myself because of fear of rejection.

Then I don’t express myself anymore.

It is a cycle.

Now knowing I am fully aware that my behavior and shame cycle are doing nothing but screaming at me to notice and learn and grow I gently asked myself…

Kimberly, what information is your behavior trying to gift you?

When I asked myself this question what I heard is this…

You stop expressing yourself when you are spending more time living in your head than in your life.

Woahh… I am going to say that again.

You stop expressing yourself when you are spending more time living in your head than in your life. 

My life is my expression.

Then I asked myself…

How can I start living my life, right now…

I compiled of list of things I love to do that make me feel alive…

Writing.

Dancing.

Singing.

Being around people I love.

Reading.

Being in nature.

Loving people.

These are just a few… so you know what I did I wrote this blog!

Do you spend a lot of your time shaming yourself about your behavior?? Whatever it is:

Eating junk food.

Drinking too much.

Watching too much t.v. instead of exercising.

Having one night stands.

Distracting yourself with Facebook.

Whatever your behaviors are… how instead of shaming yourself can you ask yourself what is this behavior trying to signal and teach me? Is it signaling to you, like it was me, to start living  more? To get out of your head and live your life?

How can we live more in our lives and less in our heads?

I freaking love that question…

Now I want to hear from you! Please share your heart below. Your comments are what make this blog juicy.

Here is to living,

xoxo

Kimberly

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