What am I doing?

I am sitting in bed trying to wrap my head around my spiritual journey. Around enlightenment… Around the ego… Around love… Around addiction to fear, avoidance, and numbing…

How do I ‘go’ there? Go deeper? What does any of this mean? Does it mean anything?

I can’t sleep because there is this thing happening to me. I am becoming aware of God. Not as in this thing that lives in the sky and commands love and respect in return for your ‘good’ behavior or only if you don’t do this, this, or this. That is not God. That is human interpretation of God. This time something is vastly different…

I can’t quite pinpoint what is different but something is different.   I have this feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. This feeling is stronger than ever before and it stays constant as my brain tries and tries and tries to understand what any of this means or is.

Can the brain ever truly understand God or love fully?

Is this something that we can over analyze and over analyze to the point of paralysis or eventually to the point of true understanding?

Or is this something that is simply felt and experienced?

Because I FEEL IT.

I feel God.

I feel love.

I feel truth.

I feel it in my body.

I see it as I walk.

I see it in peoples eyes.

I see it everywhere.

Yet it feels like my brain hasn’t caught up. Or maybe my brain is trying to fool me into reverting back to my safe place, my old homeostasis?

As I sit in bed I just can’t help but wonder why this part of the  journey isn’t shared in all of the spiritual books or spiritual testimonies I have read.

The questioning. The in-between. The place where we float before we land.

It seems like there is always the same story.

…I was suicidal or depressed or had lost everything then something happened in a moment…

I laid praying and God spoke to me or everything went black and then nothing was ever the same…

Don’t get me wrong I love these stories. I am not mocking them. They inspire me. They move me.

They also create questions in me like ‘why haven’t I had my ‘come to jesus’ moment?’.

Why hasn’t my level of depression been enough to spark a black out so deep that lead me straight to God and Enlightenment?

And why as a culture are we obsessed with quick fixes and  before’s that only have afters?

What about the middle?

What about the juicy middle that is chaotic, full of questions, and feels like you are floating around and have no idea what you are truly doing?

How do I as a blogger, coach, healer, and warrior woman show all sides and phases of the journey in a way that still inspires and is an offering?

I don’t have any of the answers. Yet I know what I am doing is exactly what I am supposed to be doing…

I quit drinking.

I quit eating sugar.

I quit filling my time with meaningless interactions.

I have been spending most of my days alone. Reading. Praying. Sitting. Living.

And when I do go out I have been diligent about filling my time with people and activities that fill my heart up and allow me the space to be 100% vulnerable and myself. Around people and places where numbing, distracting, or avoiding aren’t really accepted. Truth, the mess, and vulnerability is what is expected and accepted.

This is why I moved to Denver. I knew it was going to be a big shift for me, yet I wasn’t quite sure what all I had in store.

I have always joked about becoming a Monk, especially once my marriage ended.

I do not think that is the path Spirit is taking me yet I am in a phase of monkdom. Reading and asking hard questions. Meditating and sitting. I don’t intend to do much else.

My prayer daily is for God to use me and guide me. Show me what to do and what to say and when to do it and when to say it. I will make moves when I am told and called to do so. Other wise you will find me in my hobbit hole. (150 square foot apartment) and hopefully writing more.

It feels wild to be doing this. It feels scary. It feels completely new and unknown. Yet it feels like I don’t really have another option. I am usually one that likes to control things. Create things in my life that give me what I want. I have always been one foot in and one foot out of my spiritual journey. Wanting to be used to do good in the world and also deeply wanting the worldly things I want.

This is my first time to jump in with both feet. Trusting that this will lead me exactly where I am meant to be.

There is no end or perfect after story yet and I am okay with that. In fact I am not sure those even actually exists. I feel like life might always be the before, middle, and after part all at once. We are always beginning some new growth, learning, or new chapter. While it seems we are always in the middle of some other part of our journey over here. While there is obvious afters that we could pinpoint and highlight for stories of hope and grace and things we have conquered.

There is so much coming up for me. So much I don’t quite yet have words for. So much I don’t even understand.

Stay tuned… and know I freaking love you,

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7 Comments

  1. Hey Kimberly this is great, when I was reading this I couldn’t help but agree that we are always in the middle or the NOW, but we all seem to wish for another time or place the before when things were a certain way or the after or the future. These are the questions so many people avoid out of fear or insecurity. They have so much momentum in the direction their lives have gone this far and changing what they have for what could be is extremely difficult work. I’m sure you can attest to difficult change. Keep fighting as a warrior port and keep sharing this stuff. I need to meditate on this a bit more clearly when I have more time but thank you for sharing this.

  2. “I have this feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. This feeling is stronger than ever before and it stays constant as my brain tries and tries and tries to understand what any of this means or is… I feel God. I feel love.”

    I LOVE this, Kimberly! It reminds me of Romans 1:20: “For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.” And 1 John 4:8: “Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

    Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share your journey with us. I will be praying for you through it! Love you!

  3. Yes yes and more yes!

    Literally Kimberly, I feel I am RIGHT where you are right now. And oh is it a practice! The ups and the downs and all the in-betweens, and being fully conscious and aware of the emotions coming up, and then recognizing when we have been totally living in ego in other aspects of life. Thinking and analyzing and over-analyzing…and digging deep, fully feeling all the love we are capable of feeling in these moments. Until we are able to allow MORE love, and then we feel that.

    God, where to start? I have been SO in the middle of it all. And it feels so incredibly scary and overwhelming and exciting! I feel my perspective on life is changing so rapidly that I can’t catch up! My controlling nature wants to SLOW DOWN the growth, but my spirit says “No, keep going. You got this.” And then I have my breakdowns and rise up again more vibrantly than before. Become more present and aware than I ever dreamed possible, until the next phase when I realize there’s MORE.

    I have such limiting beliefs and am realizing that there is an INFINITE amount of ANYTHING we desire in this lifetime out there just WAITING for us! The more love we believe there to be, the more we allow into our lives, and the more love that we actually FEEL deep into our beings. Ohhhh man. I could talk for hours about this. It is on my mind and SO MUCH in my daily life..and those around me are not exactly where I am right now so I start to feel lonely, but then I remember that we are all connected. We are all one. I am never truly alone. We are spirit. We are ONE. And that feels so amazing when I fully realize this down to my bones. In my body.

    Know too that you are not alone in this growth and life-journey Kimberly. I am here with you. And I FREAKING LOVE YOU. <3 <3 Let's chat soon, yeah?

    With soooo much love and light and grace and peace,
    <3 B

  4. I freaking love you too

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