Three years ago…

Yesterday I had this thought

You should email Lance (my ex-husband).

Immediately I thought… if I did that what would I say…

As soon as the thought came in the breaking began… Tears falling, heart pounding and ripping open…

I would say

WHAT THE FUCK MAN…

Why didn’t you try with us?

Why did you just so easily give up on everything we had built?

Why can’t you see me? Why can’t you see my goodness? 

Why didn’t you just fucking communicate about your struggle and unhappiness? I could have done something. We could have done something.

Why…

Why…

Why did you fucking give up?

I would have spent  my whole life loving you and growing and breaking and rebuilding with you… can’t you see that? Don’t you know that? 

I sat on my bed heaped over my own legs, bowing to myself, no longer holding it together, falling completely apart, humbled by the ripping and breaking of my heart.

Why did no one tell me love would hurt this badly. Why did no one tell me that to love would also mean to be broken down to nothing. Why did no one tell me three years after my divorce that I would still be utterly heart broken…

The most painful part is feeling like I will never be seen by the man that I have loved the most. That he will always see me as the thing that caused him the most pain and suffering. That he will always know me as the woman he couldn’t be himself with. That he will never know my heart…

As I say this I know the truth…

 

The truth is that the pain actually lies in what he is mirroring to me…

The pain of not seeing my own beauty and wholeness.

The pain of knowing I cause my own pain and suffering.

The pain of not being able to be myself all of the time and at times not even knowing what that means.

The pain of not knowing my own heart.

My husband leaving me was the greatest blessing and gift anyone has ever given me thus far in life.

Today marks three years…

Of course it was Facebook that reminded me of this…

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This is a picture of me in Vegas with my best friend, Krista, who was one of the amazing women who rescued me from the depths of my despair during this time of my life. 

I want to say thank you Lance. Thank you for following your heart and trusting what you needed for in you doing so you catalyzed something major in me…

You gifted me with the opportunity to know myself, fall deeply in love with myself, and see myself fully.  Our breaking freed me from the shackles of codependency.  It freed me from the bondage of thinking my happiness and joy for life would come from another. It freed me from the karmic ties of giving everything I am to everyone else but myself. It gifted me with the ability to learn how to take care of myself and trust myself and trust God and trust all that is unfolding here. It gifted me with my breaking… It gifted me my life.

It is like what Cynthia Occelli say’s

“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.”

My divorce was the catalyst to my destruction. For it I am eternally grateful.

Through sitting with my thoughts, sadness, and writing this blog I know that my true desire to email him is my desire to know and love myself more. It is not him I am seeking after it is myself. He does not hold my answers, I do.

I moved to Denver to be alone on a bigger scale. I knew that it would bring up the things I can so easily avoid when living in a place I know and feel comfortable. I knew it would be the passage way to deeper healing and growth. I knew it would be another layer of my breaking.

If you are experiencing heart break please know you are not alone. I am with you. I see you. I feel you. It hurts and it is it. This is it. Allow it alter you and destroy you. Allow it to break you so apart that the only thing left for you to do is rebuild, grow, and blossom. This is one of those moments in life when even though you might not be able to see it something amazing is happening and manifesting.

May we be like sea glass allowing the rough waters of the ocean to smooth us and shape us. Maybe we be like the seed and come completely undone and be destroyed so that we can achieve our greatest expression.

God I love you all. Thank you for the most beautiful, safest place to share my journey, my heart, my pain… all of it.

xoxo Kimberly

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7 Comments

  1. Lindsey Franklin

    July 11, 2016 at 5:32 pm

    I felt very similar feelings as i went through my divorce. What a gift it is though to understand that our happiness can’t come from a man. It comes from within ourselves and the Lord. I was trying to find my life in my marriage and in my husband, and it failed. Because he gave up, God showed me it was only HIM that i truly needed. Thanks for being raw. I am here to say I relate to every emotion in this post. God Speed

    • Lindsey thank you little mama!!! I am sooo grateful for your voice here! Thank you for sharing your experience… it feels so good to not be alone. Divorce man, divorce… Sending you all the love and joy and bliss in your journey here <3 <3

  2. You are a strong beautiful WISE woman. Godspeed. Xo

  3. This is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing your raw, ginormous, ever-expanding heart with all of us. Sending you such love!

  4. Beautifully written and inspiring words for any woman to hear. Your transparency allows you to be seen and loved, your raw soul allows a connection to you, but inspires seeking in ourselves. You’re a beautiful person, Kimberly!

  5. Oh GIRL!!!!! I love you. I love you. I. LOVE. YOU.

    You have my heart and I am with you always. I SOOO feel you!

    “Keep trusting. Whenever I’m lonely, whenever I’m sad, whenever I’m confused. Love myself. Love MYSELF!”

    These are thoughts and beliefs you have instilled in me. Thank you for being MY safe space for the past 2 years!!! #AndManyMoreToCome!!!!

    XOXO I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK 10,000 TIMES <3 <3 <3

    <3 B

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