I have no idea what I am doing…

I want to tell everyone a secret that they may or may not know about me…

90% of the time I LITERALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING.

Maybe more, maybe less depending on the day and time you ask me.

I am not trying to be facetious. I am simply trying to be honest and vulnerable about something most people feel yet not many have the courage to talk about.

I have this deep feeling that no one… no one really knows fully what they are doing. If someone acts like they know everything… don’t believe them.

Society has this way of tricking us into thinking we should have our shit together and know what we are doing. There is also the saying “fake it til you make it”.  I am not against this saying. I believe that we are what we think so we can think ourselves into anything even success or failure or all of the above.

My only curiosity about this is why is it not okay to not know? Why must we fake it? Why can’t we say I have no idea what I am doing?

There are 1 million ways we as humans could spend our time, resources, and energies. It feels overwhelming at times. I feel like a failure so much of my life because I am not doing ‘what I should be doing’. Getting more education. Spending more time hustling and working harder. Putting tons of money into savings and preparing for the later years of my life. Buying a house instead of renting. Dating. Having babies… I mean the list goes on. Don’t get me wrong I have things I want to do in this life time… I have lots of things I dream of doing.

Let me rehash my life right now. I own a business that I love. The Revolutionary Living Institute. I am a Life Coach that specializes in NLP (Neurolinguistic Programing) and I love it.  I love helping people explore and empower themselves and their lives, and helping them navigate through the challenges of life. I LOOOOVE IT.  Yet I don’t do it full time because of the 100 reasons I have made up as to why I can’t. So to make enough money to live I also work at a cafe. I love working in cafe’s. I don’t just do it and hate it. I genuine love it too for many reasons: I love coffee, I love being a part of a tight knit community, and I loooove to work in the service industry. And with all of the things I love about it still feels as though that working at the cafe is distracting me from my real dreams. Is this true? Why do I feel this way? Why must I question myself instead of trusting the path?

My other dreams are to love and accept all humans fiercely, be in a band, speak multiple languages, and to be a damnnnnn good dancer and dance as often as I can!!

Yet I spend a lot of my time not working towards what I want. If I know the things that I want to do and I know the things that make me feel alive and happy then why aren’t I doing them?  Why do I beat myself up for not being further along? Why do I create suffering for myself because of some future dream that I don’t even know will happen instead of enjoying my present moment? Why can these ideas of what I want so easily pull the joy out of my present moments? How do I know what will move me closer to my dreams or not?  Life is full of surprises our dreams live in the unknown moments of life. In fact isn’t everything unknown to a certain extent?

Honestly I don’t have the answer to any of these questions. I am not sure anyone does. We are all here on this wild ride called life.

Instead of questioning I want to enjoy life. I want to trust that everything is perfect. Trust that being present is my only job here. Trust that I am on the right path and that things ARE happening. Trust that timing is it’s own thing and I am not in control. Trust that I will know everything when I need to know it and TRUST that I am doing things…

I deeply believe that by trusting and being present everything will reveal itself and move you closer. I believe that is it. That is the only knowing I need.

What I also know is…

What I know is that up until this moment I have done the best I can. What I do know is that if things where meant to be different then they would be. What I do know is that being hard on myself gets me no where.  It is by loving myself in the moments of over thinking, criticism, and judgment that I will move through those experiences and moments with grace.

What I do know is since I have lived in Denver I have:

Started a new job.

Been to three dance parties.

Met some amazing people.

Had multiple brilliant adventures with my best friend.

Auditioned for a band.

Moved into my own apartment.

Talked to multiple people about my business and passions in life.

I have put myself out there.

I have done some amazing things and it has only been a month.

What I know is that I am proud of myself for moving to the city that I want to live in.  What I know is that I am in the hardest part. I am in the transitional part of not knowing anyone and feeling lost and aimless. What I know is that I don’t have to be so hard on myself. I can be gentle, compassionate, kind, and loving.

Lastly, what I do know is that I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING and that that is perfect.

I am unsure if the feeling of not knowing what I am doing will ever go away AND my prayer is that I have the courage to keep going and find trust and peace in the midst of the not knowing.

My prayer is to be present and grounded so that when opportunities appear I can take them.

My prayer is that I can love myself with the same unconditionality that I love others as I continue on my path. My prayer is that I am gentle with myself in the face of all that happens here.

My prayer is that I never give up.

That I never give up so that others also know they have the option of never giving up.

<3 <3 To not knowing and being fucking okay with it,

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7 Comments

  1. Awesome Kim, as always.

  2. Michelle Santucci

    July 7, 2016 at 1:59 am

    My favorite blog #sharing

  3. I think your soul really knows what the fuck you are doing… you are playing with life, knowing you can’t ever screw it up, and being the beautiful being that you are… no faking it, no sugar coating anything, no reason to apologize or make excuses…..I love you and love your honest expression – in all forms!!

  4. I am so proud of you too. I have no idea what I am doing either 🙂 homesteading? Nope. Being a mom? Nope. Making a Farmstay happen? Nope. Drying medicinal herbs? Nope. All things I have been working on today in which I have no idea what I am doing 🙂 Life is simply a series of bold life projects….each one an experiment in bringing our values and stregths into a tangible form in the world. Experiments in living and being that which we want to stand for in the world. Keep going. I want to come watch you sing and speak and dance 🙂

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