Sex…

For those that care this post might not be PC… (or maybe it is).

This post is specifically for people who have mastered talking about sex. Being a single woman… who has been married. Well let’s just say that abstinence isn’t my go to. I have periods of abstinence (current state–TMI?) and I have periods of the opposite (this also might be TMI).

Also this quote keeps coming to me “you should not be having sex with anyone you aren’t comfortable talking about sex with”. The older I get the more that I sooo believe this. Sex should be something that is openly being talked about with anyone who you are going to have that sort of relationship with.

My issue is that I either 1. don’t attract men that feel comfortable being vulnerable and talking about this sort of thing… or 2. I don’t feel comfortable talking about sex. I am leaning more towards the first because I feel so open but I can’t just blame it on them. I have be open to that it is me. Also I know I am a sexual person and relationships quickly turn sexual on me. I know that I have some shame around sex from my past and also my family background… and HOW IN THE HELL DO TWO MATURE ADULTS TALK ABOUT SEX?

How do you talk about what you want and like?

Positions?

Fantasies?

What they like and want?

How do you have the hard conversations (STD’s etc.)?

How do you wait and not rush the sexual part of a relationship?

How do you stay prepared and safe?

Am I over thinking this? Or does this mean I am maturing?

All input is welcome and soooo desired! Please help me before I become a monk and leave the sexual realm forever (kidding and kind of not kidding!)

Thank you in advance!!!

Also to be transparent this is a conversation I think should be more in the public. It is a conversation that should not be shameful. It is a conversation all humans should be having. Well the one’s having sex.

Xoxo from a single lady trying to figure things out,

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17 Comments

  1. I believe is all about self confidence. I used to be shy talking about what I liked even with my first long term girlfriend. But after that was over and matured a little bit in the sex aspect I learned to be comfortable with myself which helped me be comfortable with anyone I have been with. From a male perspective I think if a guy starts the conversation and leads it women feel more comfortable talking about it. At least that has been my experience. Hopefully that helps a little coming from a single mid 30s male πŸ™‚

    • Miguel!! Thank you for your input. Confidence has a lot to do with it! I am building that daily. I feel like a confident person but confidence comes in different areas of our lives. Like I feel more confident in some areas than in others… ya know! This is one that is building for me. Also thank you sooo much for your words here, so grateful. I am also grateful to hear an have hope that a man would start that conversation… that sounds like a dream!

  2. Hey Kimberly,

    I think this is a question EVERYONE has in their own heads and continually fail to address. I’ve been attempting to address this for myself. I am on the abstinence side of things, partially by choice and partially not. That would be a very long conversation and not pertinent to the question at hand, SEX.

    I’m almost finished reading a book that you might really enjoy. It’s called Slow Sex by Nicole Daedone. It is a fundamental game changer in the world of sex which is highly and incorrectly commercialized subject matter. Some bits from the book that I felt were really important to understanding sex in a better and healthier way than what many or well at least what I have learned over the years.
    “1. Orgasm – bodies ability to receive and respond to pleasure
    2. Climax – part of orgasm but not the sum total.
    Re-envisioning our definition of orgasm modeling it on the nuance of female orgasm rather than the goal orientation of male orgasm allows all of us men and women alike to draw more complete nourishment from our sex.”

    Orgasm in this sense becomes the goal rather than Climax. Men in general are told that if you reach the finish line with your lady you have won the race. The “was it good” question in the back of our minds is eased when we have provided that all important “O” which is synonymous with Climax but as the definition above clarifies that’s not the whole story.

    This book talks about a practice called Orgasmic Meditation which is centered on the female orgasm. This does not mean guys will not get any reward from learning and following this practice, according to Nicole it is quite the opposite.
    What this practice does is supply an incredible environment to shed years of shame, discomfort, secrecy, pussy pounding, and more. But a corner stone is becoming more comfortable talking about our desires, needs, wants and fantasies with another person. As a fellow divorcee coming from the male perspective I know I was never completely comfortable sharing all of my fantasies with my ex or any of the women I dated since. I doubt she or they were either. We had our method of making sex happen with some variety sprinkled around the edges. But there was much left undone I would say and much more left unspoken.
    Communication is lubrication as I have heard from experts who make a living talking about sex from this book, podcasts and whatever else random shit I have learned in the quest to become Casa Nova haha ;-). If you are curious about the practice of Orgasmic Meditation without reading the book check out the website http://onetaste.us/what-is-om/ or:
    Their Youtube channel and watch their how to its only a 15 minute practice
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYohBt5AVmA
    Sorry this was so long

    • Cullen!!! I love sooo much that you wrote all of that, please the longer the better!! You are amazing! I totally agree about orgasms, I personally do not think they are the end result. It is just one part of the whole. I am totally going to get that book. Sex is so interesting because it is an dynamic conversation for both men and women… expectations and roles…etc. Also COMMMMMMUNICATION! That is it. You are speaking my language with all of this stuff!!! Thank you for your words! Miss you dear friend!! <3

  3. oh girl I so hear you! Talking about it can be really difficult, especially around the most uncomfortable parts of it (STD’s, what you DON’T like, etc.). I too tend to rush into relationships, I love sex, and I love being physically and emotionally intimate with the person I’m in a relationship with. So I ask myself this kind of stuff somewhat frequently. I haven’t really found good answers, other than to try things differently than I have before. But I do think the older I get, the more I experience, the more I learn about myself and what my needs and desires are, the easier it is to speak them and claim them out loud. I love you!

    • Yes me too. I love getting older for that exact reason. I know it is my struggle too because I love sex and intimacy and I tend to have sexual attraction for people I date or hangout with… which makes it confusing. The other day I asked a friend of mine that I hang with sometimes if he feels that attraction. I am just deciding to be honest and open. I am willing to get the true answer rather than not knowing. Honesty feels better. Also I am practicing!! Feels scary and little embarrassing at times… but if I don’t practice I won’t ever know how it feels. I love you lady, love your voice here!!

  4. I’ve been having an issue lately. Is it ok to expect sexual monogamy with someone even if you aren’t rushing into a serious relationship? I think so…however in my experience lately, the male brain reads this as “danger danger! Exclusive relationship in progress!”. Haha it’s tricky. I don’t want to sleep with someone that’s sleeping with other people. Is that too much to ask these days without putting a label on it?? I don’t know.

    • I really don’t think it is too much to ask. My go to right now is slowing down. Taking time to get to know someone. Having sex with them when you know and they know that you only want to sleep with each other. I honestly don’t have the answer. I also have a friend that she is okay with men sleeping with other women if she trusts them and they are 100% honest with her. She said she would perfer the intense honesty over not knowing. Also trust takes time and is earned (this is something I am also practicing…) Building trust. <3 <3 Love you mama!

  5. HOW IN THE HELL DO TWO MATURE ADULTS TALK ABOUT SEX? That sounds like a book I’d buy.
    That one and your following questions become simpler discussions once you’ve nailed down your own answers. What are my NEEDS, what are DEALBREAKERS, and on what am I willing to compromise?

    How do you have the hard conversations (STD’s etc.)? This one’s easy; imagine getting herpes in your mouth. Forever. After that it becomes an easily broached topic.

    How do you wait and not rush the sexual part of a relationship? I’ve never understood this one, but I won’t say it’s an exclusively female concern. I know men who are into takin’ it sloooow. But I don’t get it. I know who I want right away when I meet anyone so I’m already feeling electricity before we’ve said hello. Wait and not rush the sexual part? It was sexual at sight. Everything is already foreplay.

    How do you stay prepared and safe? Don’t count on the other person to be the prepared one committed to your safety.

    And I wanted to tell you that the post you made, several months back, about self-care. You related a story about your early morning farm chores and how it crossed your mind to ignore the discomfort of how you donned your boot and to get on with it. But you chose instead to apply a little self-love and concern.
    It crossed my mind but an hour ago that you’d like to hear how I think of that story everyday and apply its lesson to me everyday. Because it was a lifelong fault of my own. So keep writing, darling. Because your words do stick. =]

    • πŸ™‚ Love your words. Super grateful for your voice here. Maybe I will write that book! Also I have learned to carry condoms everywhere I go… just in case ;)!

      Also I am agree with what you are saying about attraction. I believe it is there from the beginning but I am not sure that everything that is there needs to be acted upon. Speed of things are relative I guess. What is quick to you might be slow to someone else. I am not 100% sure where I stand on this matter. I am working it out. The biggest part of this for me is that I want true depth and intimacy which for me takes time and trust and communication. I am not saying I can’t have it with someone I just met but I have rarely had this experience, for me this is what has come with time. Sex is so much better with these things. And I also understand rushing into that feeling… it feels great and I am not sold it feels better than the earlier stated.

      Also I love you. I am sooo glad you read my blog. I am so glad you take time share yourself. It truly is special!! Also I have someone in Denver for you to meet. His name is Conner. He is amazing! He is a wizard.

      • Absolutely, I agree that not everything that is there need be acted upon. To that, I answer communication is our avenue of understanding what to do with these feelings. Be vulnerable and willing to look like a fool. If the other person is equally willing to drop the armor and be figuratively naked then I’d feel comfortable reaching out for sex sooner, if that’s what we wanted.

        Depth & intimacy makes it all so much better, I agree. It’s not necessarily what I want with everyone, but I don’t jump into bed with someone who I don’t feel cares about me.

        I love you, love. You’re so lovey-dovey, sweet n’ covered in honey, honey. And of course I read this; you always have something interesting to say. I like Wizards. And I would like to meet your Ged, Gandalf, Merlin. I was offered to move to Denver with someone come August. I told him I’m in, for reals.

  6. This is a comment from Katherine over on Facebook!! :

    I was married. To the only man I ever slept with. He then came out of the closet as trans and we divorced.

    I went through a 2 year perpetual walk of shame phase that racked my numbers up to a total 6. I’m now at 7.

    When it came to fling partners I always relied on my self for birth control, to ask if they been tested, and to bring the condoms. Let me stress how important visual inspection is. You might not be able to see some STIs but you can see active cases or herpes and some time Hpv.

    With fwb I was pretty straight forward. I want xyz are you down for xyz? You are, but you wants wxyz? I’ll pass. Ill elaborate more in an Im if you wish not to violate any Facebook standards.

    I have found it was easier to share fantasies with flings than significant others. It seems that SOs feel inadequate when a fantasy is shared. There seems to be this WIERD male ego thing attached to a woman having a fantasy doesn’t include of involved them. Or involved them in a particular way.

    I am responsible for my birth control. I don’t rely on just one method either (unless it was the IUD).

    I made my ideals about abortion clear.

    As far as positions, just reading things like karma sutra, medical studies, gynecological studies, and talking with girl friends.

    When we take them time to try new things we discover our bodies and ourselves more we discover our partners more. And it’s a fun time by all.

    This is my response:::

    Katherine Hayleigh Hawkins Thank you soooo much for sharing all you shared. Amazing. I just replied to someone else on my blog and I have made it my duty to bring condoms everywhere I go. I currently am not on birth control mostly because I don’t want to be and have been re-thinking this but still feel it is the best decision for me so far at least for now.

    I love so much talking about sex. I often talk about sex with my girlfriends and even plan on how to talk about things and sometimes in the moment it is difficult (especially if under any influence) yet I am getting better.

    I have only had a few partners who are even open to discussing sex… never mind fantasies. It feels like some of my partners have wanted to explore and that has been fun but talking about it has felt like pulling teeth. My last bf at one point literally asked me not to talk during sex… his way of going about it was that you just take time to get to know each other silently… that shut me up for about a year. (Good man just not compatible) After liberating myself from that I am mostly now just trying to get tools in my toolkit.

    How to open up conversation before both parties are naked and in bed… etc.

    I also am sooo interested and I do read books on sex which are super helpful.

    For me true intimacy comes from trust and knowing someone. I feel more safe to share openly and honestly. I think this is my dilemma. I am a single woman who wants sex in her life AND I am not sure I am willing to get it up as easy anymore. I want depth and connection… to me this is the biggest turn on and sexiest thing about being intimate with someone.

  7. Being a 25 year old male who has never had (but wants) a sexual experience the topic of sex has always been something I try to avoid commenting on in public. The older I get the more awkward it’s going to be to tell that special someone “hey…I have never done this before” if that time should ever come. STDs? Comfortable positions? Lubercation? Birth control? How often can we do it? Never had those disscusions with anyone before but have researched all with various answers to each. I can more or less tolerate my buddies poking fun at me from time to time but the thought of a women I really care about walking out because I don’t know what to do is a terrifying prospect. I always read that Porn is not a realistic reference so much of what I understand about sex comes from disscusions like here. But you can never really know something unless you put it to practical application. So it’s a round about problem that I encounter whenever I read anything about the subject.

    • Chris, all I have to say is thank you. Your courage to post this and share your story is amazing. Thank you. Second, I had a girlfriend that waiting until her late 20’s to have sex and she was really, really happy she did and it was a similar experience. She a few years later got married and sometimes wishes she would have waited for her husband but she is grateful because she learned a lot. Third, people don’t understand what is different than them… so your friends are simply just ignorant to your situation which to make themselves feel better they pick on you. This is a normal human thing so I am not dogging them AND I am hoping that helps you understand their position and also gives you a pep in your step. Being different is amazing and great. If you are choosing to not have sex yet, AWESOME. If you are not choosing it then that is okay too. Your time will come. I would love to know which if you wouldn’t mind sharing it would help with my response! LASTLY, if a woman says no and walks out on you because you have not had intercourse before SHE IS NOT YOUR WOMAN. Anyone who is anyone knows that we are all really beginners and no one really knows what they are doing. LITERALLY NO ONE. You are not alone. Some people might know more about sex and might have more practice BUT unless they are an expert there are parts of sex they don’t even understand. In fact, the fact that you have done research means you might have more practical knowledge than most people… and sex might come easy than you know. Also with a compatible partnership it comes pretty easy… we all have the drive and if you trust the person then it will happen organically. My advice is talk about it before. Be honest. Be vulnerable. And communicate! You are amazing!! I am sooo grateful for your voice here. You have totally inspired me. Blessings. I would love to hear your thoughts and please keep this conversation going either here or in email… kimberly@revolutionarylivinginstitute.com

      • To clarify my position as to why I have never had sex is simple: I never had a dance partner to tango with whom I could trust. That said I have had a total of three opportunities in my life to have a one night stand and all three of them with the same woman. I didn’t take those opportunities because not only was she moving to a new city the following week but the more I talked with her and got to know her the more I realized that I wanted a relationship AND all the love making perks that came with it. I don’t think she was on board for long distance and neither was I. We parted ways on good terms and we are still friends to this day but it was in that moment when she made her intentions clear that I knew I wanted my first night be with someone like her…and the night after that and the night after that. No woman has come along since. I have sexual desires often. I dream about sex, I think about sex, I watch sex (porn) but for all my basic human biology I still want a sense of closeness and emotional intamcy with someone who will be willing to do it again for many, many, nights to come while our days are spent doing…whatever it is couples do. (I research that stuff too and get many different answers). My stance on this has lead many to literally face palm themselves in a fit of disbelief and many references have been made to the 40 year old virgin as a result. I have often thought about abandoning my stance on the matter entirely but always come back to the conclusion that male virginity is a turn off in those situations. STDs scare the crap out of me and if there is one thing that I would need the most in a sexual relationship it’s trust. I just can’t imagine doing it without trust and I think that’s the main reason I haven’t followed suit with my male peers and “go on the hunt” so to speak.

  8. In an earlier life I experienced lots of sex. Seems those events usually happened at the spur of the moment. Very spontaneous with little interaction other than the physical. And I enjoyed it. Later, I had the desire to tap into the greatest of sex organs – the brain. I loved taking it slow. I wanted us to peel back the layers of the heart and brain and share what each of us was feeling and thinking. And as I got to know someone better and we meshed with many of those thoughts and feelings the sexual desire grew stronger and stronger. There always seemed to be a time that seemed right when we knew we would have sex. That made it easier to talk about what we liked and even STD’s. The sex turned out to be fantastic because we were actually sharing more of ourselves prior to “the act”. Abstaining was very hard in some cases, but worth the wait. I’ve been accused of being a romantic – I’m guilty.

    • I so appreciate your perspective so much. I long for intimate relationships and I know that forming that relationship with myself first will make it easier to do with another. I am getting to the place where I am my main priority. I have heard about reaching this point in life… and it truly is a magical place. It also comes with some sadness and upset… but only when I focus on the future. Only when I focus on what is unknown. Yet what I know is that today I get to give myself love, intimacy, truth… and I get to trust and open myself more and more to the possibility of having a relationship like you have mentioned… one that is deep and honest and open… before sex ensues. Thank you Allen, you voice is cherished here!

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