Let me just start by saying being single this day and age is well… hilarious.Mostly because I feel like a newborn. I genuinely feel most of the time that I have no idea what I am doing. It is also challenging and well TONS OF FUN. Dating for me is an opportunity to get to know and explore people. Get to know what makes them tick. Get to know what makes them excited. Get to know what they struggle with. We date to experience another and in some cases we find compatibility and in other cases we find friendship and in others we find life lessons and growth.
Sometimes I feel excited about dating and other times I feel frustrated and hopeless about it. Yet when I get really quiet and honest the truth is that one day I would love to walk this life beside another badass human. Working together to be an offering to the world. Allowing our relationship to grow and evolve us into more conscious beings. So if this is my deepest truth then the questions I have been explore (and noticing others exploring) are:
How does you find authentic partnership?
How do you meet people who align with your life and truest values?
How do I fully enjoy being single AND at the same time attract amazing, compatible people into my life?
I was on the phone with a client the other day and we started exploring all things relationship. Here is what we did. I want to offer that if this conversation is sparking an interest in you this would be a great opportunity to pull out some paper and play and explore with us:
1. Make a list of all of the things in your past relationships that you love and would like to have continue in your next partnership. (Things to note in people you meet.)
2. Make a list of all of the things in your past relationships that did not serve you or that you hope to never repeat. (We learn through contrast.) Now notice what you desire instead. What are the opposites of what you don’t want. This will give you insight into inquiry #3.
3. Now make a list of your deepest desires for partnership. (This does not just have to be intimate partnership. It could also include friendship, business partnership, family relationships… etc.) And write it out like this:
- To be respected.
- To be valued.
- To share similar values.
- To be listened to or heard.
- To be lifted up.
- To be emotionally understood.
- To be communicated with effectively.
- To be accepted fully for who I am.
- To work through issues.
- To have honesty and trust.
If you have no idea where to start maybe think about how you want to feel in relationship with another. What actions or ways of being would give you that feeling.
4. Go through your deepest desires and do a ‘swivel’. I call this the Spotlight Effect. It is when we take the focus or spotlight off of others and we put it on ourselves. Shinning the light on you instead of on the other person, allows you to stand in your power. When we have the spotlight on the other person it puts the energy and attention where we have no control. We cannot make someone act a certain way or have certain attributes, even if we try really hard, we can have hope, but ultimately we can’t change people or mold people into who we want them to be. People are who they are. What we can control is how we show up in our lives, in our relationships, and how we treat ourselves and others. Now that the spotlight is on us let’s look at our deepest desires above and let’s get curious and play. Let me show you.
If your deepest desire is To Be Respected: Then the new inquiries could be:
- How and where in my life am I not respecting myself? Where in my life do I show lots of respect for myself?
If your deepest desire is To Be Valued: Then the new inquiries could be:
- How and where am I not valuing myself? Where and how do I value myself?
If your deepest desire is To Be Listened To or Heard: Then the new inquiries could be:
- When do I not listen to myself, my needs, my intuition, my gut? Where do I listen to and trust myself?
If your deepest desire is To Be Accepted: Then the new inquiries could be:
- How do I not accept myself fully? What parts of myself do I fully accept and love?
If your deepest desire is To Have Honesty and Trust: Then the new inquiries could be:
- When and where in my life am I not being 100% honest? Where in life am I courageously honest to myself and others? Where in my life do I not trust myself? Where in my life do I trust myself?
You get the point…
5. Answer the above questions or your version as honest as possible. This is not an excuse to beat yourself up or judge yourself. This is a moment to have complete honesty about how you are showing up for yourself and where you are not fully showing up for yourself. Let’s pretend for just a second that we attract what we are. If this is true and spend a lot of our time speaking negatively to ourselves or being hard on ourselves then it makes sense that we would attract someone who does the same to us. Or if we do not fully value who we are in the world then we might be attracting people that don’t see our value.
This exercise is applicable to any area of your life. I am specifically using it in the realm of relationships because that is where I am and and where so many people in my life are but play with it wherever you are. Asking yourself high level questions and being honest about the answers is one of the most powerful tools that you can ever practice in your lifetime. You have the answers inside of you. Only you know what you need, want, and truly desire.
Partnership is not to complete us. Partnership is to enhance our journey here. Answering the questions above is to give you information so that you can show up fully for yourself and your life. Not needing another to save you or make your life better, but giving you the information and tools to do those things for yourself. This takes the pressure off partnership. Makes it more playful and enjoyable. Makes it more genuine and possible to thrive. When you are thriving your partnerships can thrive. When you love yourself and your life I believe then you can truly love another. It starts with you. Always!
Ok it is your turn!! I want to hear from you! What came up for you? Share below in the comments below the blog. Also if you feel called to share these words please do!
Here is self inquiry and trusting the journey and attracting beautiful humans into our lives!