They are going to kill me…

Pudgy legs and belly rolls.

My mom has my hand and is leading me into the shallow end of the pool at Holiday Island.

My age is 2.

My mom swears this is the first time she ever saw fear, judgement, and terror in my face. Up until this moment I was known as the ‘happy baby’. I was a ┬ásocialite. Talking to everyone. Letting all of the strangers hold me. Constantly smiling, laughing, and talking.

In the moments before my body submerged into the water. I caught glimpse of a couple. They were covered from head to toe in tattoos and piercings. I don’t remember this part but my mom recalls them as looking like they had ‘lived a lot of life’ and maybe not the easiest of lives.

As my eyes saw them my finger went up and I began point and scream…

“They are going to kill me. They are going to kill me.”

My mom looked up shaken from the sudden change in my demeanor and saw what I was pointing at. She immediately got close to me and starting whispering in my ear, “Kimberly they are not going to kill you, calm down honey”.

The screaming turned into hysterical crying. Convulsing.

As my mom was sharing this story with me I couldn’t help but wonder when does a child learn judgment and fear?

Are we born with it? Is it taught? Does it come from past life experiences and patterns?

And…

Why do we as humans walk around full of judgments and fear?

Fears and judgments of ourselves and others…

One of my favorite quotes from the bible is Matthew 7:3

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”

I find that when I am judging another I am really just judging myself. Maybe the person has traits that I want. Or maybe the person has habits that trigger fears or memories from my past either conscious or unconscious.

I also think that judging another takes the spotlight off of you in moments. So what I mean by this is that when you are judging another about their behavior or person that it actually in some ways makes you feel better about yourself. Maybe it just simply the distraction, in the moments when you are doing it you are not thinking about yourself. Or maybe it is that to break down another makes you feel better about your own struggles, challenges, habits, or quirks.

It is a form of numbing. It is a form of distraction. It is a form of unconsciousness.

What if in those moments you chose instead to be present to this persons humanness. To their hearts. What if you accessed compassion, love, and kindness and gave them that instead of judgment?

And what if you did the same for yourself? Many people I come in contact with judge themselves way more than they would judge another.

What if in those moments you chose instead to be present to your humanness? To your heart. What if you accessed compassion, love, and kindness and gave that to yourself instead of judgment?

What might shift or become possible in your life if love and kindness ruled instead of judgment?

I would love to hear your thoughts. Please feel free to share them below. Also if you love these words please share them on social media or with a friend.

In deep thought and curiosity,

Kimberly

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3 Comments

  1. “Are we born with it? Are we taught it? Does it come from a past experience?” My gut feeling is we are taught most of our behaviors. But there is so much work being done on genetics and it’s effects on the physical you can’t help but ask why it would not effect your brain…… On the other hand – that hand that’s WAY, WAY out there – there’s this perspective that would make sense to one side of me:
    http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/06/a-short-story-to-change-your-long-life/

  2. I love going back and re-reading your posts….. I come away with something new so much of the time. You said, “I find that when I am judging another I am really just judging myself. ” You are so right. We are allowing that judgement to define who we are – not what others are. It’s our little filter we see through. Thank you for that observation!!

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