I am sorry…

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It has been a while and all I want to say is sorry

I feel like I am paying for some dark Karmic debt right now. My life feels dark most days. Darker than I can remember in a long time.

I am constantly feeling like a bad person.

I am making plans and then breaking them because “I just can’t” can’t seem to find the energy or motivation to go anywhere, talk to anyone, and get my life together.

I feel like everywhere I turn around I am messing something up.

Forgetting this.

Forgetting that.

Bailing on this.

Bailing on that.

Breaking this.

Breaking that.

Drinking too much.

Sleeping too much.

Crying just enough.

It has been quite dark over here.

All I want to do is hide away… but why?

Because I feel like I am the only person in the entire world feeling this way. Dark. Heavy. Sad. Confused. Depressed.

And I just want to say sorry.

Sorry for not having the strength right now to show up how I really want to in the pit of my stomach.

Sorry for bailing last minute because I just can’t get out of bed.

Sorry for not responding to you because I forget or just am too deep in my own shit.

Sorry for not communicating and just not showing up. I couldn’t stand the thought of another person being mad at me.

I am sorry.

Truly, I am sorry.

I want to be standing in my power always…

I want to be my most confident self every moment…

I want to laugh more than I want to cry…

I want to be free of this darkness.

But I am JUST NOT.

I am human.

I experience intense emotion and feelings.

I sometimes feel confused about my life and my path and it gives me anxiety.

I feel like a bad person sometimes because I just don’t know how to reach out and ask for help.

I feel like everyone hates me because I am a flake and sometimes I just can’t get my life together.

I feel like my clients are going to hate me or fire me because they are just going to find out I am human and struggle too.

I am sorry. I am so sorry.

Please know that I am still here. I am still the Kimberly that you love.

If I could I would take away the pain of anyone who has ever felt this way I would because it is so painful. It is so intense. It is so heavy.

Sometimes I forget that part of my journey is showing all my sides. The beautiful. The ugly. The bright. The dark. Everything.

Today is a little dark but I know it will get better and that it is okay. It always is both, getting better and okay.

For anyone that is struggling like this and feels like they can’t get their head above water, or figure out their shit, or feel like you can’t move forward.  Please know you are not alone. I am here. I get it.

I do what I do in the world because I have been there, sometimes I am still there. 

I don’t do it because I am perfect and have it all figured out. I do it because I know. I have to practice. I have to walk my talk.

If this is how you have been feeling or sometimes feel in your life know that it is okay. You are amazing and amazing things are happening for you. Sometimes we have to go to the dark places to bring our brightest light to the world…

This might be one of my favorite quotes of all time.

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May we crack and become completely undone so that we can grow and stand and do in this world what we are here to do.

May we each walk away from undoing and be more connected to our path, to our light, to our beauty, to our worthiness…

I am breaking… and for that I am grateful. What is on the other side I am still unsure but I feel like it is strength, courage, a knowing, and a confidence that no one will EVER be able to take from me.

Sending you so much love,

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27 Comments

  1. Kimberly, your post brought tears to my eyes. I just want to give you hugs and reassurances that it will all turn out ok. I can so relate to what you wrote here! I seem to be going through monthly periods of depression that turn into self hate sessions. It seems to be coinciding with my cycle. I know this is happening as a result of my crappy diet. Here I am a certified health coach and I’m not following my advice either…Remember, the caterpillar while in the chrysalis, (completely falls apart) becomes completely liquified before it becomes a butterfly… And, the dark time is a great time for reflection and for new wisdom to become clear. I’m sure someone else has said this to you recently (maybe even yourself) but I’m going to write it anyway. Do you know where your feet are? The key for me, that I keep coming back to, is about being present. In this moment, and in this one, and in this one… You have a divine light that continues to shine even when it feels dark. I love you.

    • Cherie, thank you so much for your words. I just love the image of a caterpillar giving up its life because it knows what it is actually meant to be. Seriously thank you… I am so glad you are here. I am so glad you get it. I am so glad you are on this journey with me. Phewww I am not alone, I am not alone, I am not alone. Also I am here with you always Cherie. <3

  2. Oh lady, I am right there with you. This is what I have been thinking and not saying for awhile now. I felt like you literally took the words out of my brain and were strong enough to put them out there into the world. I so feel those feelings you put down so beautifully, those thoughts you wrote so eloquently.

    It’s been over a year for me, in hiding.

    God it’s scary to be vulnerable but you are not alone, I hear you, I see you and I am so grateful for your honesty. Showing both sides because life isn’t always love and light. Sometimes it’s dark but so much growth does happen in that place.

    It’s our coming out party.

    Keep on rocking my friend, thanks for your honesty and no need to apologize. I think we all get it, at least all of us who have been there (and i think that’s most of us).

    The only way out is through, right? Big cyber/energetic embrace!

    Love,

    Tera

    • Tera, I wish I could totally sit with you right now and just honor where we are, where we have been, and we are freakin’ going woman. This is our coming out party. Goodness I am grateful for you. Thank you for your words. You are such a beautiful light in the world I hope you know that. Sending you sooo much light and love… ohhh and keep on rocking those videos, amazing!! P.s. I am here for you if you need anything. Always know that.

  3. Interestingly, I learned from your Freedom Circles (TM) that those feelings and dark places are A-okay. Sheeyit, now I just do what they say. Hide if say hide. Get blazed if say blaze. Are they saying I ain’t doing shit today? Mission accomplished. Big smile. Because the darkness, like the light, is only problematic if resisted. Hell yeah, it still hurts! Fuck it, delve right in. I’m always fascinated what I discover when I do. Even if I flake on everybody and accomplish none of the things I imagined for that day, I still got something immeasurably valuable. And for all I or you know, the darkness called because you needed to know what it was transmitting immediately. Shit, you think the Universe don’t know what you thinking? What you’re planning? It’s all out for your good. And as far as I’m concerned the darkness is home. Why do you imagine the Light is where you’re supposed to be and the Darkness isn’t the better that you’re waiting for?

    Love ya Genkai

  4. I’m sorry too. It hurts. I know…

  5. Kimberly, we are all so completely human, aren’t we so? In our complex mix of all our light and all our dark mingling, dancing, stagnating, living the pain, living the love, inside out, outside in. all turned around…..our heads in our hands, our hearts, beating, beating, beating.
    just this breath.
    this breath
    this. that you are.

    love and more

  6. I. freaking. love. you.

    Please don’t apologize, we all go through this! Whether or not everyone wants to admit it, we do. Thank you for writing your heart on these pages. Thank you for your vulnerability.

    You are absolutely amazing, Kimberly. Truly amazing. I know you’ll come out of this phase of your life stronger, wiser, and bolder than ever. Your heart is beautiful. I love you <3

    Soul sisters for life,
    <3 Brittany

  7. That which you speak of is that which you are intended to heal. Remember that in the darkest times…you have within the depths of your being an infinite reservoir of something that I call my heart beneath my heart which is composed of that which the entire universe is composed of…which is that which you are composed of whether or not it may feel like that on a given day. And what you are composed of is
    that which you will awaken to when you have let go of that which is keeping you in the darkness of your outer shell. Yes, like the quote you have shared…you are breaking open and with your breaking will come your awakening…for that which you are intended to do…is what all healers are intended to do…which is to offer that which lies within the depths of all who live on this planet Gaia. And that which you will offer when you have been broken and re-awakened to the seed of life that lives endlessly within you…is that you are here to offer that which you have always been and will always be…which is that which even now you are beginning to awaken to…which is that which you will shortly be more fully awakened to…which is that which you have known yourself to be but somehow have covered up with other elements that will now be blown away like the wind blows the clouds away only to reveal that the infinite sky was always present beneath the momentary darkness. And when you have revealed that which you are…you will know yourself to be that which you are intended to offer to all…which is love and only love. May you have a beautiful night sleep. In
    Spirit…Beadea(The name that Spirit hath given me)

    • Beadea, thank you for your insights, wisdom, and presence here. I feel that I am breaking through to love. That feels really true to me. I have since I was a young girl thought I was here for love. To be an expression of love. To walk in love. To interact with all beings in a place of love. When I stray so far that is when it feels intense AND I know that it is in that straying that I keep stepping closer to that which I already know I am. I have these experiences sometimes that I call blackouts that I experience what feels like a nothingness and everythingness. I feel that place more and more and am grateful for the darker places that take me there. I am so grateful you commented. Your words mean so much. <3 <3 It makes me feel grateful to know I have a tribe standing behind me... having my back on this crazy, beautiful, epic journey! Sending love and light.

  8. “Don’t be so hard on yourself” is something I constantly have to remind myself of. While I was reading this it made me think of that for you. I hope you can find peace and always remember that life is not as serious as we sometimes make it out to be. Sending hugs to my middle school friend!

  9. Aw Kimberly, Love! My heart reaches out to you. I have been where you are and sometimes have stayed there far too long out of fear. Reading your post reminded me of our times together; sitting in your basement telling you all the things that I was afraid of and you gently pushing me forward and saying “you are strong….you can do it!” I want to say that we don’t give counsel and wise words to others so that we can hold them over our own head constantly. We share our love, light, and insight when we have it with those who need it so that it can come back to us in our time of need. So I am bringing your wise words back to you…tell yourself that you love yourself….look in that mirror at your tear stained face and say “I love you.” You are a beautiful person and so worth the effort.

    I recently took a psychosynthesis class that I absolutely loved and one of the truths that I took away was so helpful. Light and darkness are in balance with each other. The more we ascend into the light, the deeper into the darkness we must go. Both are frightening but productive as well. When are ready to move out of this darkness, you will know and you will rise to new levels of spiritual love and openness….of this I am sure!

    May your heart and your spirits be lifted today! You are on my mind and I am sending you light!

    Michelle

    • Michelle, Thank you love. I have missed you so much and have thought of reaching out so many times. This is the darkness that I am ready to let go of… a fear that my dark will push everyone I love away. Know you are always with me. I think of you so often and our times together. This is the darkness that I know for sure is coming with my light. It is something worth 100% going through. It is something that I am sick of being hidden from our society. It is human and real and true. I love you so much. I would loooove to connect and chat. P.s. I want to hear all about your life. I snoop sometimes and it feels so good to see you in this space. Thank you for reading my words. ahhh my heart.

  10. Hey Kimberly,
    Thanks for sharing, I am sorry as well.
    I think we all feel these things in our own unique manner. Some relish in the imperfections more than others and I think that happens only because we care so much. You care and love so incredibly you brighten rooms as your energy fills the space. Your highs are so incredibly high it only makes sense that sometimes your lows will be low. Sub-consciously I think we all feel these things. I know I do and I have experienced all of the things you have just shared to some degree or another.

    Everyone struggles with the commitments they make to others yet pain and suffering is self imposed and self inflicted. We are generally our worst enemy and cause ourselves the most pain. We cannot change the things that happen to us in life but we can only change how we view them. Pain, discomfort and misery are all blessing in disguise when we realize the absolute beauty that lies on the other side. Through the suffering we find beauty, elegance, love and wholeness. The only true mistake is to believe the blackness will not end. We may not see how or understand what the next step is but step we must. In the deepest darkest caves of our lives we cannot see our hand in front of our face but let out the light within and you’ll realize everyone else is within arms reach in the exact same cave. Like me. Like everyone else who commented on this and all the people who were touched but still afraid to share.

    I try to embody this every day and honestly fail very very regularly. Yet I tell myself to continually, “Embrace the suck, breathe gratefully into the pain as it comforts me with the knowledge I am headed in the direction of my dreams. Pain is not my enemy but my call to greatness”

    Just some of my thoughts mostly directed toward myself because some days I really struggle and wish I was better at “embracing the suck” but I’m improving.

  11. i love you Kimberly. There is no darkness that I wouldn’t stand by you through ….as a friend and a business partner. There is no timeline in which younare “supposed ” to get better or the world of your friends will get tired of your darkness. I say this because I remember when I was in a state of depression for years, it felt like the world said it was ok to be depressed for a little while but there was an extreme pressure that came through people’s worried glances to get myself myself out of it in some “normal” timeframe or people would just go back to normal life and forget I was still suffering. Take your time with this….it is deep and it is important. Show up for yourself even if you can’t show up for others. See your strengths even if remembering things or showing up to friend dates is not one of them right now….there are still beautiful things you are able to be, share, in the world while in this dark state…..this post being an awesome example.

    You are loved and perfect.

    Tessa

    • Tessa, you are truly a gem. The fact that we found each other in the sea of humans I feel soooo honored and soooo lucky. You are my friend, my family, and such a badass business partner!! Thank you.

      Thank you, thank you, thank you. Time is what I am taking… thank goodness I get to slow down if that is what I need. This business has allowed me time… true time. This is why we do what we do. Me to heal. You to be a mom. I love you. Thank you… <3

  12. And to think, I thought it was just me…
    First, Kimberly, know that you are always loved – by all of us. Just look at all of these wonderful posts the outpouring of love is tremendous. Read them over and over.
    Second, know that you are not alone. We all seem to find ourselves in dark places from time to time. No matter how much therapy we have been through. There seems to be this myth that at some point we become “cured” and the dark is never to return. But that just ain’t the case. It remains a battle for all of us.
    There are just times when we let ourselves, our loved ones, and the whole world down. But that doesn’t make us bad people. It just makes us human! A freaking beautiful amazing human. Remember the words of Siddhartha – it’s just part of the music of life.
    Through all of this, we all still love and care about you! And don’t be afraid to share your true feelings. You don’t have put some kind of strong image for us. Your vulnerability makes me want to work with you more!
    After all, you’re just like the rest of us!

    • Robert… it isn’t just you. It is all of us. Thank you so much for your encouragement, you presence, and you deep genuine kindness.

      Together we trudge through sometimes and at other times we skip with joy and bliss… I am grateful to get to do both with you my friend, colleague, and wonderful human!

  13. Kimberly – such amazing, caring friends you have! And for what reason do they express their empathy and Love? Because of who you are! And for the one and only time I’ve talked with you (getting cars serviced – of all places) I recognized the Light and Love that came from your Soul. I felt refreshed (and amazed) after talking with you for only 20 minutes – this total stranger that I just happened to meet. So it pains me to think you are hurting so. I – like others who have posted – have been down. And it is friends such as yours that have helped lift me up.
    And your Soul I met, for such a brief period of time will prevail. You are one who represents the term “Love is reflected in Love”. In all it’s forms…… And all of the Love shown in this blog is proof of that reflection and will help lift you up!

    • Allen! My heart is so excited to see you post here. Our meeting was, in my opinion, the workings of the world and for that I am grateful.

      There are times in my life that I feel I am not only feeling my own pain, shame, and grief but that I am a holder of the suffering of the world. I want my life to be a walking example of transparency, truth, and all the parts of life that exist and that I experience. I feel so lucky I feel safe here. The response was honestly unexpected and incredible. My heart. Seriously my heart…

      Thank you for your words. Thank you for your reminders. Thank you for being you. I feel so honored I got to meet you… I have a feeling it was not the first time and won’t be the last. Sending love. xoxo

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