It has been a while and all I want to say is sorry…
I feel like I am paying for some dark Karmic debt right now. My life feels dark most days. Darker than I can remember in a long time.
I am constantly feeling like a bad person.
I am making plans and then breaking them because “I just can’t” can’t seem to find the energy or motivation to go anywhere, talk to anyone, and get my life together.
I feel like everywhere I turn around I am messing something up.
Bailing on this.
Bailing on that.
Drinking too much.
Sleeping too much.
Crying just enough.
It has been quite dark over here.
All I want to do is hide away… but why?
Because I feel like I am the only person in the entire world feeling this way. Dark. Heavy. Sad. Confused. Depressed.
And I just want to say sorry.
Sorry for not having the strength right now to show up how I really want to in the pit of my stomach.
Sorry for bailing last minute because I just can’t get out of bed.
Sorry for not responding to you because I forget or just am too deep in my own shit.
Sorry for not communicating and just not showing up. I couldn’t stand the thought of another person being mad at me.
I am sorry.
Truly, I am sorry.
I want to be standing in my power always…
I want to be my most confident self every moment…
I want to laugh more than I want to cry…
I want to be free of this darkness.
But I am JUST NOT.
I am human.
I experience intense emotion and feelings.
I sometimes feel confused about my life and my path and it gives me anxiety.
I feel like a bad person sometimes because I just don’t know how to reach out and ask for help.
I feel like everyone hates me because I am a flake and sometimes I just can’t get my life together.
I feel like my clients are going to hate me or fire me because they are just going to find out I am human and struggle too.
I am sorry. I am so sorry.
Please know that I am still here. I am still the Kimberly that you love.
If I could I would take away the pain of anyone who has ever felt this way I would because it is so painful. It is so intense. It is so heavy.
Sometimes I forget that part of my journey is showing all my sides. The beautiful. The ugly. The bright. The dark. Everything.
Today is a little dark but I know it will get better and that it is okay. It always is both, getting better and okay.
For anyone that is struggling like this and feels like they can’t get their head above water, or figure out their shit, or feel like you can’t move forward. Please know you are not alone. I am here. I get it.
I do what I do in the world because I have been there, sometimes I am still there.
I don’t do it because I am perfect and have it all figured out. I do it because I know. I have to practice. I have to walk my talk.
If this is how you have been feeling or sometimes feel in your life know that it is okay. You are amazing and amazing things are happening for you. Sometimes we have to go to the dark places to bring our brightest light to the world…
This might be one of my favorite quotes of all time.
May we crack and become completely undone so that we can grow and stand and do in this world what we are here to do.
May we each walk away from undoing and be more connected to our path, to our light, to our beauty, to our worthiness…
I am breaking… and for that I am grateful. What is on the other side I am still unsure but I feel like it is strength, courage, a knowing, and a confidence that no one will EVER be able to take from me.
Sending you so much love,