Last night in a meditation a spirit came to me and his message was profound. I have found when powerful things happen to me they are, of course, usually lessons or things I need to hear but they are also for me to share… this is my gift sitting and doing my work so that I can share with the world what I learn.

What are you seeking outside of yourself?

What I know to be true is, is that if I seek happiness, peace, love, comfort, acknowledgement or whatever I am seeking outside of myself then I will get maybe instant gratification but I will never actually get what I am seeking.

What I am seeking is within myself. Everything I need is within myself.

What you are seeking is inside of you… everything you need EVERYTHING YOU NEED is within you.

For this reminder I am grateful!

Would be honored to hear your words and heart here, please share anything that came up for you! <3

In deep gratitude,

Kimberly

In life we all are faced with moments when we will need to make decisions. Some of them are harder than others. All of them are important to us because they create our lives and move us either closer to our goals and desires or further away. Decision by its nature is the act of choosing one thing over another. At times making a decision is an easy yes and at other times choice between two things isn’t as clearly defined.

Many times when faced with these harder moments of decision making or desired change or shifting intense emotion, feeling or thoughts surface. The intensity of these emotions, feelings, or thoughts can overwhelm us and leave us feeling frozen, unable to do anything.

Moving to Colorado at times has felt like this. I have since moving here felt at times an intense pull towards two things that oppose each other. Feeling unclear about which one to choose or which one I truly want. For instance:

I want to create community and connection here in Colorado AND in moments of potential outings of meeting  people I have often felt an even more intense desire to be alone or to be at home reading or praying.

I also lately have been feeling a desire for partnership and love YET as I said have a deep desire to be alone, I want complete independence and I don’t want to be responsible for another in any way, shape, or form.

In work and career I am pulled between my time managing a cafe AND the deep desire to put all of my energies into my business and coaching.

In health I want a 100% sugar free diet and daily I am craving things with sugar, sometimes giving in and other times not.

You see the dualities exist in most areas of my life. At time these dualities feel intense. I want one thing while also feeling like I want something else. This could be called and is called by some professionals a ‘split mind’. Desiring two things that oppose each other.

In these situations I am left with feelings of frustration, emotion, confusion, and am completely frozen in indecision. Not really knowing what to do. My mind is split. Feeling like I want to make a move or take an action but the stress and anxiety of not knowing what to choose is too overwhelming to do anything. Letting the emotion overwhelm me instead of pausing and listening and allowing it to gift me information.  Not choose is still choosing. It is reactionary choosing instead of powerfully choosing. In the overwhelmed emotion I then often choose sugar or isolation or busyness to fill my time instead of connecting with another or nourishing my body or productively taking action to create what I want in  my business. Can you see the cycle?

Do you ever experience this? Where do you feel confusion, frustration, stress or anxiety, or a feeling of not knowing what to choose?

Pause and ask yourself… where do I feel frustrated? Indecisive? Stressed or anxious?

Then ask, in this situation do I want two things that are opposing each other? Two things that will achieve opposite results? Two things moving in opposite directions?

If so what are they?

Do you desire weight-loss and health but think that you deserve to eat whatever you want on the weekends or when you eat out?

Do you want a career change but are stricken by the fear of money?

Do you desire to make friends and connection but you don’t want to leave your house after a long day?

I made a video about what to do in these situations…

These might seem like bigger decisions but we are faced with this in every single moment. What are we choosing? Kindness or shortness with the teller at the bank. Patiences or frustration with your child. Compassion or self-loathing with yourself.

What are committed to? Where do you split your commitment and live in the uneasy feelings and emotions that come with that?

How can you experiment in your life with commitment and letting go?

Remember 99% is a bitch, 100% commitment is a breeze.

I would love to hear your voice. What is coming up for you? What are you committing to? What are you letting go of and Letting God? Please share your heart below.

If you feel that someone else might be enriched from these words or this video and you feel moved to share it please do.

I am so grateful for this community. Sending you love and light on this wild journey.

May we all be free, at peace, and fully expressed in life,

Kimberly

p.s. I am about to launch my new websiteeeeee….keep your eyes peeled! Really fun and beautiful things happening over here! Blessings.

What else do you do when you are inspired and can’t stop thinking about something late at night, you make late at night videos!!

I had this huge aha moment the other day with some friends about why I might not be getting what I want. So I shared all the juiciness here…

Start moving toward what you actually want NOW…

Disclosure: when you have a bigger, over arching goal that then creates your objectives. Listening and focusing on that bigger goal is not about not taking action. It is about claiming your life in each moment and also about exploring the world of being as well as doing. Our society teaches us to do, do, do and this is how you get what you want. I am exploring being, being, being and trusting that in that high level being on the planet that I will know exactly when to take action and what exactly to do.

I also want to say with this distinction of goals and objectives that a certain level of suffering when we reach goals will end. I have known so many people that are chasing an objective, reach it, and then wonder why there is a huge let down. Maybe it is because they believed that to be the thing to fulfill them or give them purpose… when in reality the over arching goal that they can have NOW is what will give them what they want and going after the objectives and accomplishing them will be the icing on the cake!

Now it is your turn. I would love to hear what came up for you? Did this shift anything for you? If so please share below!

Also please share any of your answers from the questions at the end of the video below!!

What are your objectives?

What will those objectives give you? What ultimately is the reason you want to do those objectives? What is the thing you would be willing to work towards your entire life and know your life was not wasted?

LASTLY, QUESTION NOT IN VIDEO: What in your life right now are you already doing that allows you to attain that objective? (Make a list. You area already doing things that connect you and bring into the light of that objective… so write them down, get clear about what is already working.)

Awareness is where all the beauty and sweet gooeyness of life lies! <3

Sending you so much love! Can’t wait to hear from you!

Here is to going after what we truly want,

One of my dearest and nearest friends this morning, who recently lost a close family member, shared with me that I had made her feel wrong for being so emotional during her grieving process. She felt this way because of some of the ways I would discuss and process my spiritual journey in her presence.

At first I noticed how much I wanted to take this personally and say something like “but you just don’t understand me… because I would never make you feel that way on purpose…”

Yet reaction is not at all what I am committed to with her or anyone. Also reaction is not my truth. In fact to react would be to continue the cycle of what has already happened. Creating disconnect and pain for both her and me. So instead I paused, took a breath, and asked her to elaborate and share with me the depths of her experience.  I dug deeper.  I wanted to understand the relationship between what I had said and what it had created in another.

I deeply believe that healing and truth are consistent. What I mean by this is that when we are truly being of truth or healing it cannot be misunderstood by anyone. It is understood by all because it is true and real. If someone is offering you love, like true love, this offering is not misunderstood. You feel it. You experience it. You understand that it is love being offered.

I sat with what my friend vulnerably shared about her experience with me. I sat in gratitude for this information and also love and light for her and her journey. I apologized to her. I thanked her.  And I shared with her how  much I love her.

What I realized from my sitting is that spirituality isn’t intellectual. In fact I am not sure it can ever fully be understood intellectually.

As I read and devote myself to study I can’t help but want to analyze and over analyze and try to understand what it is that I am reading and experiencing. Yet at times I know I swing too far. I become focused on what I am reading and not how I am being.

Spirituality has nothing to do with the words you know, books you’ve studied, or the dogma you believe in. Not to say we, as students, don’t need to read and study and understand as much as we can about our spiritual beliefs.  This too, is a part of the path to true understanding. Yet you can understand the dogma and say all the ‘right’ words and intellectualize every aspect of spirituality without spreading and extending the truth. Without allowing the truth to penetrate you and alter every aspect of your life. Without “walking your talk”. You can know something without being it.

Spirituality to me is a way of being.  I am so grateful in my friends sharing because I didn’t realize how I was being. I couldn’t see it. It was a blindspot for me.  In her sharing I saw the truth.

My only desire is to show up in love. To be a walking example of peace. To give. To accept fully.

It doesn’t matter how much I study or understand intellectually my spirituality. I want my expression of this understand to be one of seeing every human in their truest form. Seeing that what they do, say, look like, have does not define them. I want to love from a place of knowing what I know is true.

Spirituality, at its truest form, isn’t about knowing or having more. It isn’t about trying to describe to someone all that you know or understand. It isn’t about sounding cool or like you know what you are talking about. It isn’t about making others feel that you have something they do not. We are all equals here. No one has more than another.

I love this quote…

“…it is quite evident that a healer doesn’t understand God if he thinks he has something that others lack…”

A Course In Miracles

Every human is a healer. That is our purpose here to heal ourselves and then extend that healing out to others. By healing I simply mean to return to love and truth. To be a light for that in the world. This is our only job. We each do it with our unique special talents and gifts and offerings.

There is no truly profound reason why I want to do this work in the world. It is simply so that I can experience the joy of living. So I can have peace in my day to day life. So that I may know love, like truly know love.

I want to love people so that I may receive and understand love in return.

I want to express peace as I walk through this life so that I may experience that same inner peace.

I want to be a stand for full acceptance so that I may too know I am fully accepted and lack nothing.

We are what we teach. To teach is to be.

If I have ever harmed you with my spiritual talk or my processing of my spiritual journey here I am truly sorry.

Please know that it was never my intention.

My intention has always been to be an example and to show you how perfect you are and how loved you are and that you are LOVE.

Kimberly

I am sitting in bed trying to wrap my head around my spiritual journey. Around enlightenment… Around the ego… Around love… Around addiction to fear, avoidance, and numbing…

How do I ‘go’ there? Go deeper? What does any of this mean? Does it mean anything?

I can’t sleep because there is this thing happening to me. I am becoming aware of God. Not as in this thing that lives in the sky and commands love and respect in return for your ‘good’ behavior or only if you don’t do this, this, or this. That is not God. That is human interpretation of God. This time something is vastly different…

I can’t quite pinpoint what is different but something is different.   I have this feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. This feeling is stronger than ever before and it stays constant as my brain tries and tries and tries to understand what any of this means or is.

Can the brain ever truly understand God or love fully?

Is this something that we can over analyze and over analyze to the point of paralysis or eventually to the point of true understanding?

Or is this something that is simply felt and experienced?

Because I FEEL IT.

I feel God.

I feel love.

I feel truth.

I feel it in my body.

I see it as I walk.

I see it in peoples eyes.

I see it everywhere.

Yet it feels like my brain hasn’t caught up. Or maybe my brain is trying to fool me into reverting back to my safe place, my old homeostasis?

As I sit in bed I just can’t help but wonder why this part of the  journey isn’t shared in all of the spiritual books or spiritual testimonies I have read.

The questioning. The in-between. The place where we float before we land.

It seems like there is always the same story.

…I was suicidal or depressed or had lost everything then something happened in a moment…

I laid praying and God spoke to me or everything went black and then nothing was ever the same…

Don’t get me wrong I love these stories. I am not mocking them. They inspire me. They move me.

They also create questions in me like ‘why haven’t I had my ‘come to jesus’ moment?’.

Why hasn’t my level of depression been enough to spark a black out so deep that lead me straight to God and Enlightenment?

And why as a culture are we obsessed with quick fixes and  before’s that only have afters?

What about the middle?

What about the juicy middle that is chaotic, full of questions, and feels like you are floating around and have no idea what you are truly doing?

How do I as a blogger, coach, healer, and warrior woman show all sides and phases of the journey in a way that still inspires and is an offering?

I don’t have any of the answers. Yet I know what I am doing is exactly what I am supposed to be doing…

I quit drinking.

I quit eating sugar.

I quit filling my time with meaningless interactions.

I have been spending most of my days alone. Reading. Praying. Sitting. Living.

And when I do go out I have been diligent about filling my time with people and activities that fill my heart up and allow me the space to be 100% vulnerable and myself. Around people and places where numbing, distracting, or avoiding aren’t really accepted. Truth, the mess, and vulnerability is what is expected and accepted.

This is why I moved to Denver. I knew it was going to be a big shift for me, yet I wasn’t quite sure what all I had in store.

I have always joked about becoming a Monk, especially once my marriage ended.

I do not think that is the path Spirit is taking me yet I am in a phase of monkdom. Reading and asking hard questions. Meditating and sitting. I don’t intend to do much else.

My prayer daily is for God to use me and guide me. Show me what to do and what to say and when to do it and when to say it. I will make moves when I am told and called to do so. Other wise you will find me in my hobbit hole. (150 square foot apartment) and hopefully writing more.

It feels wild to be doing this. It feels scary. It feels completely new and unknown. Yet it feels like I don’t really have another option. I am usually one that likes to control things. Create things in my life that give me what I want. I have always been one foot in and one foot out of my spiritual journey. Wanting to be used to do good in the world and also deeply wanting the worldly things I want.

This is my first time to jump in with both feet. Trusting that this will lead me exactly where I am meant to be.

There is no end or perfect after story yet and I am okay with that. In fact I am not sure those even actually exists. I feel like life might always be the before, middle, and after part all at once. We are always beginning some new growth, learning, or new chapter. While it seems we are always in the middle of some other part of our journey over here. While there is obvious afters that we could pinpoint and highlight for stories of hope and grace and things we have conquered.

There is so much coming up for me. So much I don’t quite yet have words for. So much I don’t even understand.

Stay tuned… and know I freaking love you,